10/28/2020

 As usual I take this blog to get rid of negative emotions. So it will contain bitter feelings, some tears and maybe some rage.

I was talking with someone about love and it left me thinking about myself.
Yes, I'm alone. I didn't feel loved since years, to be honest. And I wonder why.
Am I such a weird person? So disgusting everyone doesn't have another choice but to leave me? Am I not loveable enough? Not worthy enough to be loved?

Everytime I got rejected in my life, I just smiled, told them it's ok. Then I turned around, walked away and never looked back so they wouldn't see the tears in my eyes.

I'm still strong, I always was. Strong women aren't easy to love. And I'm a warrior on top. Warriors are never loved. They are needed. They are used. But never wanted or even loved. Cause with warriors comes war. No one wants to get involved in war and warriors tend to look for someone who stays with them in times of war too.

In another entry I said, it's enough for me to help my friends finding their happiness. I still have this opinion, that didn't change.
But sometimes I can't help but wish there was someone for me.

I got rejected for very different reasons. The most ridiculous is my age. As if that'd change who I am. I'm still the same person. My personality didn't suddenly change because of my age. So bitch please!

I even got rejected cause I had cancer! I beat that shit, I survived, I'm healthy again! So why is THAT a reason to reject me?! Because I fought it and won?

People sometimes suck so so much.

I wish, I really wish I could say I'm done with love. Not looking for someone anymore. But this damn hope just won't leave me alone.
Disappointment, hope, disappointment, it just never stops. While all I want is someone to hug me and tell me "It's ok. It stops now, I won't leave you."

I'm just too stupid, right?

10/20/2020

Regrets.

That's an important topic. People always say "Live without regrets" but for real, that's total bullshit.

We all regret stuff. Things we said, things we did, there's always something you could think "Why did I do/say this? What would've happened if I handled it differently?"

Sometimes even years later. Something happens and you feel reminded of a certain situation. And there it is: regret.

I was crazy enough starting to write everything down what I regret. About some things I still feel ashamed, even when they were over a decade ago.

Some may think now "Why does it bother you? It's in the past, you can't change it." that's true, but it affects me. It affects my actions, my thinking, everything. I'm more sensitive with those things, more careful around certain people.

It's way easier to shrug situations relating things off than it is with situations relating to people. Especially when I see them around. I get nervous, I look down and mostly I look for the fastest escape route.

Yes, maybe I'm really dumb for letting these things so close to me, but that's just me.

A really close friend told me "You care too much about things and people" and he's right. I know this. But unfortunately I don't have a switch to deactivate that.

I am caring. Is that really that wrong? My best friend would yell "YES!!" now in my face xD

At least I can say, I was always honest. I didn't lie to people. I was always open to the people I trusted and trust.

It's time to let some of those regrets go. I can't fix everything with everyone and that's ok.

I try to let more go in my life. Won't be easy, but it never is. Moving on can be the hardest thing to do and nothing is as hard as a first move.

But I won't hesitate anymore. At least I try to not hesitate anymore.

10/16/2020

So... Now it happened... That what so many people fear hit me now...

My whole area is now officially declared as high risk zone for Covid. Just great. I'm in high risk group too and I can't hide in my flat forever. I have to go out, I have to do my grocery shopping. My strong allergy to antidisinfectants isn't helpful either!

I'm scared to catch it, but I'm way more scared for my friends. If I could save them by sacrificing myself, I wouldn't even hesitate one second.

One of my close friends has caught Covid. He told me today. He has symptoms. I can't even take care of him cause he's too far away. I don't know what to do in worst case. I never felt that helpless. I want to be there for him, to help him, to take care of him, but I can't. He told me not to worry, but how could I not worry?!

He means a lot to me, I like him so much. Since I know he's sick, I'm crying. He doesn't know and since he doesn't read my blog he'll never know.
I'm worried sick for him. If it gets worse... I want to do something. I want to get over to his place, even if it means driving for 15 hours and crossing 2 borders, I don't fucking care!
All I can do is praying for his health and that destroys me.

All I want is the people I care about to be safe. I don't know what to do. What can I do? I'm trapped between worry and hope, I'm so far from calm again.

I wish I could do something to make sure he gets better, to make sure, all people I care about are safe.

Nothing feels worse than being helpless. Not being able to help, not being able to care...
When he told me, he has it with symptoms I felt my heart break. He's such a close friend, I don't want to lose him!
I lost enough this year, could destiny please leave me my friends?

I wish I could just shrug it off and behave as if nothing happened, but I just can't.

And yet... I have to. I have to be cheerful and fun and full of hope and be like always, so he won't worry about me. I have to be strong for him, even if it destroys me. Even if I cry and scream and curse and feel my heart breaking, I'll have to be the funny girl he knows. To distract him. To make it easy for him, so he can focus on getting healthy again without woories for me. I have no idea how to handle it, I can only try.

Put on the smiling mask and never let him know how badly it truly hit me.
I call him my queen cause he is exactly this for me. My dearest queen, one of my closest friends. One of the few people who I'm never shy around.

I just hope and pray. Acting like nothing happened will be hard but I have to pull through for his sake. I just hope I can handle it without people around who can calm me. No one can at the moment and that's ok. I will get through it somehow...

10/12/2020

I finally found my inner peace again.

My cousin brought me to a very special place with very special people.

Somehow, talking to them brought everything back in order. I feel balanced again. Life is a river, I forgot how to float on it, instead I tried to stay at one point and that can never end well.

I feel healed, I feel whole again, like I got something back I was missing deep in my soul. I can see so much more now, feel so much more now.

No, they didn't give me drugs, I'm not high xD

I don't hold grudges, it's a waste of time.
Who wants to be a part of my life is very welcome to be it, no matter what happened in the past. Who wants to walk away from me can do so. In the end it's their loss and not mine.

I want to say, how grateful I am. For everyone in my life. I'm grateful for everyone who cares. I'm grateful for everyone who stays at my side. Thank you for your patience, for your trust and for your friendship.
Thank you for being there, for caring, for making me smile.

You can't imagine how much it really means to me. You all give me so so much and all I can hope for is being someone who's worth it.

There is someone with whom I have kinda... a difficult past, let's put it like this. But we managed to talk and agreed on trying to rebuild our friendship. It makes me incredibly happy.
I don't believe in this "destroyed forever" shit. I strongly and truly believe, everything that's broken or damaged can be fixed again with a bit hard work, with honesty and the courage to make a first move.

This is called hope and hope will accompany me forever. There's always a tomorrow. If you don't succeed today, wait for tomorrow and try again. You WILL succeed, when the time is right.

10/10/2020

Today was the day I was afraid of.

Do you remember how I told you about the people I left behind to start again? Today I met them at an event. I told myself so often, it would be ok. I would be ok. I told myself, it can't be that hard to see them again, even looked forward to it a bit, cause I still like them.

We ended up ignoring each other completely. I thank the Goddess that I got someone with me. It wouldn't have been possible alone. It still hurt badly.

A part of me wishes to turn back time. Just 2 weeks. I wish so badly I could talk to them again, joke around with them again and just be happy cause I was. But whenever this thought comes up, I remember what I had to see. 

"The trash that takes itself out"

I shouldn't grieve about such people. I'm glad, that I have great people around. I found great people, who value me, who like me. People who truly care for me, without talking shit behind my back.

No, I'm not over it yet. I got a photographic memory and I remember everything. I remember exactly where I was, when they contacted me first. I know on which stair I stood when I read the message. I remember the exact words of this text, I remember it all. I remember every happy second. But I remember every tear I shed too. There were so many tears, I doubted myself so often, wondered so often "Do they really want me?"

Now I don't have to wonder anymore. The people who left them to stay with me showed it clearly.
I am wanted. I am preferred.

It wasn't the plan to take people away from them, they followed cause they wanted to.

Those people make me wipe my tears and smile again.

Yes, I'm still sad and hurt. But I know, the day will come, when it stops. I have enough to focus on. And if I ever forget my own value, I got people who care. And people who yell at me and slap me hard.

And who knows. Maybe... someday... Those others talk to me again. I didn't block them, any of them. It's up to them, their decision, not mine.

10/08/2020

Since that topic came up with some, I have to make something clear:

NO, I don't have a new boyfriend xD
NO, I'm not in love with the guy I mentioned in my last post either ^^

It might be hard to imagine for some, but a good friend can make me happy too. Even better than a lover.
I gave up on love, there's no such thing for me. I'm happy to help my friends finding their happiness. That's enough for me. Simple as that.
I've made my peace with it.

Yes, maybe it's hiding myself, protecting myself from getting hurt again. But since I'm extremely picky with my partners anyway, I better stay alone. I highly doubt to find what I really want. It's hard to find someone who stays at your side, through all times and nearly impossible to find someone who's willing to fight at your side through hell.
So... I stay alone. And that's fine. I'm fine with it. I got my cats, they love me. I'm valued by my friends. If that is all, what life has to give me, I'm still richer than many other people.

I don't want you to share my opinion. If you have the chance to be happy with a person you love, take it. Don't waste the happiness that waits right next to you.

There's an old story, my best friend told me. I tell you and maybe you see the deeper sense in it.

There was a prince, who had a shining star with him. The star loved him deeply, so it decided, to stay with the prince. But the prince wanted the moon. He liked the star, but the moon... The moon was so special to him, he wanted the moon for himself. So we went on journeys on and on, to find the moon, to win the moon for himself. Whenever he came back, the star was happy and greeted him with warm light and tried to shine brighter, to make the prince happy. But in the prince's heart was only room for the moon.
One day, the star couldn't bear it any longer. The prince was gone again to chase the moon and the star left. When the prince came back from his journey, there was no star greeting him, no shining warmth embracing him. In shock, he finally realized, that happiness was right next to him all the time. He called the star, begged it to come back. But no begging and no tears could help it. The star was gone and the prince spent the rest of his life watching the heaven, looking up to the star he mindlessly ignored.

Don't be like that prince. Don't chase the moon, when a loving star is already there. It can be faster gone than you think and all mourning won't get it back to you.
What I want to say is, don't abandon the happiness you already have for a maybe happiness that could maybe come. Don't be that stupid, only a coward would act like this. Smart people value what they have at their side.

10/06/2020

Life is a weird journey.

Sometimes full of colors, of flowers and sunshine. And suddenly something happens that makes all the flowers wither, the colors get drained and happiness seems dead. Until you find it again on your own or you find help. Sometimes there is someone who walks fearless into your darkness and shows you the colors again in a soft way.

That didn't happen to me. Someone walked into my darkness, but he didn't show me softly the colors. He ripped all the darkness simply apart, grabbed my hand and pushed me back to the colors. Growling and cursing and yelling at me.

That was exactly what I needed. Sometimes it annoys me when I only get treated softly.
Yes, I am fragile and it's extremely easy to hurt me, cause I trust people so easily.
But sometimes, a good ass kick helps me more.

I know you see this. Thank you for marching into my darkness, for ripping it apart and being there when I didn't even know that I needed you.
Thank you for being you, for yelling at me and getting some sense back into my head.
Thank you for making me smile.

I know exactly, when he reads this, he'll call me and yell at me, cause I embarrassed him xD
But I think that's worth it ^_^

10/04/2020

Life is a funny thing.
Feelings even more. Just some days ago I was nothing but hurt and grieving about lost people. And today? I'm fully ready to move past it, to go forward. I knew it would only take some time to get over it.

Oh, I'm still emotionally bound to ONE from back then but since he doesn't talk to me anymore, I'll be over it in no time. He only shows me with this that he never truly cared about me. If he had, he wouldn't have let me go that easily. He would've listened and valued me and my opinion more.

I know you read this, so I tell you this:
Despite everything that happened, I'm still open to talk. I know we both think, things were handled in a pretty shitty way and I really think we still can talk it out.
We could talk everything out, so I see no reason it couldn't work this time too. But it's up to you. If you're ready to, you know where to find me.

Am I crazy to still think it might work out? Maybe. But that's just the way I am. I'm the fixing type of person, HE should know that best.
So that's my offer. If he takes it? I don't know, but as we all know, hope dies last, even more when it's about me. I just never give up hope

10/02/2020

ATTENTION: contains some tears, I use that post to get rid of negative feelings. I know it will work, it always does.

"Are you fine?" yes, I am. As long as I keep myself busy, surrounded by people who distract me
"Are you happy?" yes, I am. As long as I keep myself busy, surrounded by people who distract me
"Can you handle it?" yes, I can. As long as I keep myself busy, surrounded by people who distract me

When I'm alone...

"Why are your eyes so sad?" Doesn't matter, I'll get over it
"Why does your smile seem so forced?" Doesn't matter, I'll get over it
"Why did you cry?" Doesn't matter, I'll get over it
"Who did this to you?" I did it to myself

Drama again? No, not really. I just left people very dear to me. I didn't see any other possibility. No one showed me another one. I felt like fighting windmills, trying and trying and trying and it got me anywhere. It was so frustrating. I felt stuck in a situation I hated, didn't know how to get out, didn't know what to do to improve on it

"Come with us, we make our own thing"

Not the first time, I got told this. But this time I accepted. I got asked to be the leader and I accepted.
I knew I could do it. Not the first time that I lead something. I know what I have to do and I'll give my best. I know it won't be easy, but this challenge might exactly be what I need.

The prize was high. I lost many people I deeply cared about. It often happens that I see things and think "I should show them, they'd like it. Oh..." and then I realize again that I can't anymore. It hurts every single time.
I will get over it. I have to. I'm a leader now. I have to be strong. I can't let it drag me down.
Yes, I'm sad and I grieve about all the things that happened, but I will get over it. It just takes some time.

What hurts the most are the accusations. I was not the only one who left but I get accused, that I put my reasons in their mouths and convinced them to leave with me. That's just not true, I didn't. And I definitely don't control other people, that's bullshit.
I know exactly who's happy that I left, I know exactly, who said which mean things. There are still people who like me and know, I'm not like they try to make me seen.

Seems as if I wasted a lot of time, strength and energy to the wrong people. That's life, such things happen. I'm not the only one who had to realize that. So far those people didn't try to mess with me. One guy tried with 2 of my people. I didn't step in. Yet.
But if I'm forced to, I will. Even if it means going against someone I like. Even if it means I get hurt.

I don't mind getting hurt, I'm used to it! I know I will heal again. And I will do everything to protect my people and keep them safe.
I truly hope they don't make me fight them, but if they do, I won't hesitate to go all in. That's the only way I know. All or nothing, there are no half hearted things with me. There never was anything I did only half hearted and I surely won't start now!

I'm a goddamned leader and I take my responsibility very serious. That's my priority now, everything else, even my personal feelings, have to step back..

What most people don't know about me: the more I suffer, I stronger I become. It was always like this, it will be like this again. And therefore I'll NEVER be a victim. Just an explorer on the road to more strength