10/10/2020

Today was the day I was afraid of.

Do you remember how I told you about the people I left behind to start again? Today I met them at an event. I told myself so often, it would be ok. I would be ok. I told myself, it can't be that hard to see them again, even looked forward to it a bit, cause I still like them.

We ended up ignoring each other completely. I thank the Goddess that I got someone with me. It wouldn't have been possible alone. It still hurt badly.

A part of me wishes to turn back time. Just 2 weeks. I wish so badly I could talk to them again, joke around with them again and just be happy cause I was. But whenever this thought comes up, I remember what I had to see. 

"The trash that takes itself out"

I shouldn't grieve about such people. I'm glad, that I have great people around. I found great people, who value me, who like me. People who truly care for me, without talking shit behind my back.

No, I'm not over it yet. I got a photographic memory and I remember everything. I remember exactly where I was, when they contacted me first. I know on which stair I stood when I read the message. I remember the exact words of this text, I remember it all. I remember every happy second. But I remember every tear I shed too. There were so many tears, I doubted myself so often, wondered so often "Do they really want me?"

Now I don't have to wonder anymore. The people who left them to stay with me showed it clearly.
I am wanted. I am preferred.

It wasn't the plan to take people away from them, they followed cause they wanted to.

Those people make me wipe my tears and smile again.

Yes, I'm still sad and hurt. But I know, the day will come, when it stops. I have enough to focus on. And if I ever forget my own value, I got people who care. And people who yell at me and slap me hard.

And who knows. Maybe... someday... Those others talk to me again. I didn't block them, any of them. It's up to them, their decision, not mine.