04/11/2021

Sometimes I feel tired. Not physically. Just tired of life. I feel as if I lose everyone around me, as if all around me pull back. It feels as if they're too shy to tell me to walk away cause they know about my depression.

And that's when the voice of depression kicks in, tells me "See? They walk away. You're tolerated, not wanted. You'll be alone again in no time". This voice uses every weakness, every insecurity to tell me that. I force it down, like I always do. But this damn feeling doesn't leave me. What if the voice is right? What if I'm left all alone in the end? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm simply not good enough.

I want to have trust in future. I want to have trust, that all will be well. But I'm scared.

Luckily there are people around me, who tell me, it's not true. Part of me knows that I'm appreciated, that I'm wanted.

I joined a group in a messenger with people who have depression themselves. Talking to them helps. We share methods of fighting and they told me "How? How can you be that strong?"

Yeah, how can I fight on and on, never give up? I am strong, I know that. I found a simple truth. Strong people don't fight lost wars. Strong women like me won't beg for affection. I won't run after someone who shows me that I'm not wanted. I'll move on, even if it rips my heart to pieces.

I'll always stay with people who want me. With people who tell me and show me, that they want me around. I won't give up on them. Never, in my whole life. I can't force them to like me. But I don't need to. I still have my dreams and I won't give up on them.