I'm highly sensitive, I notice so many small changes and they scare me. I'm scared so easily by more things than most people can imagine. Facing my fears takes so much strength, hardly anyone can imagine.
Why am I suddenly so down? Well, I woke up to a "nice" message. It said "you suck as a friend. You're the worst. The only thing you're good at is screwing up! It would be better if you just disappeared!" the background? I refused to go to a birthday party with over 20 people. I decided it's too risky, we have pandemia after all. There are over 30k infected people in my state and around 1k died of it. I know that I'm not the asshole for staying at home, but that message triggered me in the worst possible way.
Am I really good for anything? Am I a bad friend? Even worse thoughts come up, thouths like... Am I worthless? Just a useless piece of shit? Does my life even mean anything?
I have so many plans, I have a partner and great friends around me. Just in moments like this, I feel broken. I feel hurt and scared, that they all walk away. I fear that I really am only good at screwing up and make them walk away from me. I'm scared to see all my plans turning to ashes.
I wish so so much I simply could say "Ok, that person was an asshole. Not my problem anymore" but I'm not like this. It gets to me, it hurts me and makes me sad. I don't mind fighting, not at all. I'm still a warrior, I'm still used to fight.
But the voice of depression got strong today thanks to that message. Of course I'll fight it again. But right now, it just keeps telling me "They'll all walk away. You'll be alone again for the rest of your life. No one wants you forever, you're not good enough. You will never be good enough for anything" and it scares me. It scares me cause I start believing it.
For all who wondered, how sensitive I really am, here you have it. That is what a simple message did to me.
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