09/24/2020

A lot has happened again. I needed some time so sort my thoughts and I had to calm my really, really, REALLY angry best friend, so he wouldn't write or do something stupid to that topic. He kept me quite busy xD

But first a good message: I don't take antidepressants anymore and it works quite well. Just Saturday was hard, but I'll tell you why in a bit.
Even without medication I feel good. I grow back to my old self daily and I slowly realize, how much I suppressed my own character for the sake of others. I made myself weak, way too soft, hid behind others and only was a supporter.
That was never my destiny. I'm the one at the front, I'm the one fighting, not supporting. Of course I still support my people, but I won't back off from fights anymore.

And now, Saturday.
In July I met a guy in that online game I play. We clicked quite well and started flirting. I had no idea, that there was another girl involved. He only told me when it was nearly too late. I was emotionally done with him in this instant. I didn't even hate him. I told him to leave me alone. I'm disgusted by lies and hiding something like that is a lie in my opinion.
Some time later we worked it out and started talking again, even played together, often with this other girl too. If I still had felt something for the guy, that would never have happened. But since my emotions for him were not there anymore, it worked out very well.
I befriended her and for real, she's a great girl. She's super nice and kind and I really like her.

But it was often weird and difficult talking to her, cause I didn't know if she knows about the flirting. I backed off then and escaped.
I knew, that wasn't a long time solution and I hate, I really HATE keeping secrets from my friends.
So I got all my courage together and told her everything that happened.
She wasn't pleased to say the least. He wasn't either.

I don't know what he was thinking. That I'd keep it a secret forever? Oh please, it was only some days. Nothing meaningful.

He wrote me a really angry message, called me a "fucking jealous bitch" and told me I disgust him.
Yeah, sure. I'm disgusting for telling the truth.

I saw this message and laughed. Normally I would've backed off, maybe even apologize, try to explain my feelings and so on.
But not anymore.

I fired back. I stood my ground and I'm really proud of myself. I did the right thing, I know that. Enough people confirmed it.
Yes, I didn't stay quiet anymore. I told about it all, how it truly was. I mean, I even have proof! Screenshots are something really nice and I still have them.
That guy had no other choice anymore than telling the truth.

I make friends pretty quickly and when I suddenly ignore someone, they wonder why and ask. And as I said... I don't like keeping secrets from my friends and I won't stay quiet anymore.

My friends mean something to me. But this guy? He's meaningless for me. He could simply disappear and I doubt I'd even notice.

But there was a hard moment. When I thought about everything, I noticed, he made me feel something. He made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Not cause he called me a bitch, but with his previous actions.
Suddenly I really felt worthless, my old doubts came back. I felt broken, very vulnerable and to be honest, in that moment, I regretted surviving my surgery.
I regretted being alive. That's what he did to me. And I'll never forgive him this.

I got caught. The only person in my life who can calm me was there for me. He calmed me with just some sentences and I could laugh again. He told me too, I did the right thing by telling the girl what happened.

I'll be very careful in future who I let close to me. It's just enough. Enough bad experiences. I had this year enough of them for a whole life and the year isn't even done yet.
With a backup like this, I came back to my senses again.

I regret nothing and by writing and publishing this story, I finally open up about it all to everyone.

No more of those secrets, I'm fed up with it! I don't even understand guys, who're interested in someone and start some shit with another person. Why? I don't get it. But I truly hope, such assholes stay away from me in future! I won't hesitate to fight anymore, I won't hesitate to tell the truth anymore. I know it's the right thing to do and I will NEVER allow anyone to make me feel bad for their choices, for their bad behavior, for their lies. It's not my fault, it's theirs. And if they can't deal with it, it's not my fucking problem at all!!

09/18/2020

So, I'm still alive!

I survived my surgery, even when there was only a 45% chance to survive this shit. Seems my willpower was enough in the end to win this fight.
Surrender is no option for people like me.

But I knew, this week would take its toll on me. I was in the room with 2 others and one of them didn't stop talking the whole time. It was stressful and I knew, it would hit me when everything is done.
This day was today. I hoped so much it would've happened yesterday, but well... Can't do anything about it.

Today was partly a good day, I had ups, but downs too. I ran into an aquaintance when I was grocery shopping and she didn't stop talking! I suddenly felt I had to go away FAST, but she didn't react to my tries to cut things short. I felt worse and worse and suddenly I felt my patience break and I yelled at her, she should leave me alone and that I'm not interested in her shit.
I'm not like this normally, there just was suddenly this panic, this "I have to get away. NOW!" feeling. When I was home again, everything was fine.
I called my therapist and told her what happened. She told me, it's ok to yell at annoying people if they don't get that I don't want to talk to them. Sometimes it's necessary. That was the peak today.

The last days I thought about many things, I had time enough xD
I saw to whom I'm important and to whom I'm not. I need to change my behavior towards some people. I'm not a plaything anymore. I'm no stopgap and I won't be used as one anymore.

I know, there are people who want to spend time with me, who want to talk to me.
Those people I can only tell this:

Now is your time. You want to talk to me, then do it. You want to spend time with me, do it! Or at least tell me. I can't read your minds, if you keep your mouth shut, I can't react to it.

If I was talking to you the whole time and suddenly stop, congrats then! You did something that made me pull back. You should look at your behavior towards me then.
I don't hesitate to cut people out of my life. It hurts, it always does, but I prefer a light pain now than a deeper pain again and again and again.

In my past there happened some things I kept quiet about for the sake of others. Trust me, I won't do it anymore. When I get involved in some shit and have the feeling, another involved person needs to know those things, I will tell them. I won't be a complice to bad behavior anymore.

With the things I don't know officially, I could fill books! It puts me under pressure, it's not good for me. So I need to stop this shit. 

09/12/2020

ATTENTION: whining/complaining post. If you don't want to read  about this, don't read it

I cry. I'm just crying the whole day from time to time.
I'm so nervous cause of my surgery, it feels like a giant weight on me. I can barely breathe, it crushes me. I try so hard to be strong, I try so hard to stay calm. But the pressure only grows and grows.

I resist as much as I can, I try to keep me busy, to not think about Monday. So I can stay happy and cheerful and won't worry the people dear to me.

My chances are 50:50 to die.

Actually, I should already be in hospital since Friday, but I refused. I decided to be there Monday morning at 6. Then I'll get prepared. I wanted one last normal weekend, with the things I love and the people I love. I want to remember all the fun I had. To get some much needed strength to fight.

But now I'm just thinking, that I put a burden on those people. I'm so selfish when I want to keep them close now. Do I hurt them with my actions? Wouldn't it be better to just silently disappear? What am I doing to them? Involving them in my shit, in my fight.

I WILL fight. I have to. I found a reason to fight. Someone expects me to come back and stay strong. Heaven may crumble, hell may freeze, I will fight my way back. When I know, this persons thoughts and good wishes are with me, there's nothing I can't reach. I'd rather rip off my own arm before I disappoint him. So surviving is my only option.

I just... can't help being scared. I feel helpless, cause I can't really do something to improve my chances. My only weapons are my willpower, my stubborness and the thoughts of all the people who believe in me. They trust that I'll survive.

My best friend will be with me in hospital. He keeps my mobile and has a list with people who should be informed about me. He knows, he's only authorized to talk to those people. If someone else asks for me, he won't even answer. And this list is short, only 4 names are on it. When I'm awake again and can think straight, I'll happily inform my dearest ones about my status.

I hope I'll wake up. There's still so much to do, so many goals I want to reach.

It's this conflict in me, this hanging in the air between fear and hope. I feel both and I don't like it. Fear makes me weak and I hate being weak. I HAVE to be strong. 

No one sees my struggles to be so strong. Sometimes I wish, there was someone who just pulls me close and tells me "It's ok. Let me be strong for you for a while. Get some rest, I protect you", but this won't happen. The people on whose strength I rely are extremely rare and none of them would ever see me like this.

The tragic of my life. Being strong often means being lonely. Cause people just come to strong people for help, cause they need strength in their life and when they pushed through difficult times, they simply walk away.

Only very few stay. Only very few look beyond the strength and see the actual person.

Being strong is a blessing and a curse. Who sees me like I am? Who likes me for the person I am? It's often difficult to tell

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Enough whining. Time to be strong again, right? I just needed to let it out, only once. Writing about it makes me feel better, so I hope, this post won't offend people dear to me

09/07/2020

Decisions. All in life is about decisions. What will you do, if the world suddenly ends next week? Will you regret all the things you never did? Will you look back and think "I should have done it differently"?
Are you satisfied with your life? Happy with the way you handled everything? Would you try to fix things with someone you hurt? Would you tell them sorry?

I think much about it in these days, cause my world could end next week. It all could be over. I'll have another surgery cause the scar tissue from my cancer surgery last year has started to grow in an unhealthy way. So far I didn't tell anyone. I didn't want to worry people.

But slowly the pressure on me grows.

I'm scared, cause I know, this surgery could cost me my life. Every surgery could. I'm highly allergic to anaesthetics and disinfectants. It was close last time, they told me, I'd be fully awake till early afternoon, but it was nearly midnight when I finally could think straight again. They had to give me adrenaline, otherwise I wouldn't write this now.

So yeah... my world could end next week. I can't help it, I'm sad. So much things I never told. So much things, I never did.

But on the other hand, so much things I did tel. So much things I did do.

And I wonder... Do I even have a reason to fight? For what? For who? For love, how so many say? I am not loved, by anyone. I'm liked and tolerated, nothing more.

Maybe the time has come to stop fighting. Maybe the time has come to have peace.

No, that's bullshit. Who knows me, knows that I will fight. When I find a reason to do so.

I'm looking for one, I try to find a reason for me.

But what's worth fighting for? Is there something for me? I don't know, really not.

September, the 14th, this day will decide everything. Either my world ends then or not.

Until then I try to find a reason to fight deaths embrace

09/02/2020

 I'm so happy now! Summer is nearly over, it's not so hot anymore.
I always feel way better in autumn.

It's weird, while most people feel way better in summer, with all the sun and such stuff, I only get moody, grumpy, I don't feel well at all. Summer is literally torture for me.

I talked a lot to an old friend. He said my personality changed pretty much. Did I really. I don't think so. I'm more myself than the last years. As if the warrior in me finally woke up again. I'm not so scared anymore than I was the whole time. I'm more self confident and that's nothing bad.

I took my time to think a lot, to talk to people a lot who know me for a long long time. I had to realize many things. Some of them hurt me, some of them shock me, cause I buried them so deep in me and didn't dare to touch those thoughts, those feelings.

But I realized, I spent way too much time burying this stuff. I finally have to admit, there is this one special person. I told myself for weeks "nah, we're just friends, there are no deeper feelings" but there are. That situation is new for me and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I have no idea how this person feels about me and I'm so so scared to lose a good friendship. I don't know what to do. Tell him or not? Wait until it passes me like a flu or not?

I know I'm ready for something new, I can feel it deep inside. It's a good feeling. We'll see where it leads me. I don't give a fuck for gender. Not even for age gap. Heck, one of my best friends has a boyfriend who's 17 years younger than her and they have the sweetest relationship. So why should I care about such a nonsense? If two people fit together, it's totally fine with me. There's no need to make life harder than it is.