09/24/2020

A lot has happened again. I needed some time so sort my thoughts and I had to calm my really, really, REALLY angry best friend, so he wouldn't write or do something stupid to that topic. He kept me quite busy xD

But first a good message: I don't take antidepressants anymore and it works quite well. Just Saturday was hard, but I'll tell you why in a bit.
Even without medication I feel good. I grow back to my old self daily and I slowly realize, how much I suppressed my own character for the sake of others. I made myself weak, way too soft, hid behind others and only was a supporter.
That was never my destiny. I'm the one at the front, I'm the one fighting, not supporting. Of course I still support my people, but I won't back off from fights anymore.

And now, Saturday.
In July I met a guy in that online game I play. We clicked quite well and started flirting. I had no idea, that there was another girl involved. He only told me when it was nearly too late. I was emotionally done with him in this instant. I didn't even hate him. I told him to leave me alone. I'm disgusted by lies and hiding something like that is a lie in my opinion.
Some time later we worked it out and started talking again, even played together, often with this other girl too. If I still had felt something for the guy, that would never have happened. But since my emotions for him were not there anymore, it worked out very well.
I befriended her and for real, she's a great girl. She's super nice and kind and I really like her.

But it was often weird and difficult talking to her, cause I didn't know if she knows about the flirting. I backed off then and escaped.
I knew, that wasn't a long time solution and I hate, I really HATE keeping secrets from my friends.
So I got all my courage together and told her everything that happened.
She wasn't pleased to say the least. He wasn't either.

I don't know what he was thinking. That I'd keep it a secret forever? Oh please, it was only some days. Nothing meaningful.

He wrote me a really angry message, called me a "fucking jealous bitch" and told me I disgust him.
Yeah, sure. I'm disgusting for telling the truth.

I saw this message and laughed. Normally I would've backed off, maybe even apologize, try to explain my feelings and so on.
But not anymore.

I fired back. I stood my ground and I'm really proud of myself. I did the right thing, I know that. Enough people confirmed it.
Yes, I didn't stay quiet anymore. I told about it all, how it truly was. I mean, I even have proof! Screenshots are something really nice and I still have them.
That guy had no other choice anymore than telling the truth.

I make friends pretty quickly and when I suddenly ignore someone, they wonder why and ask. And as I said... I don't like keeping secrets from my friends and I won't stay quiet anymore.

My friends mean something to me. But this guy? He's meaningless for me. He could simply disappear and I doubt I'd even notice.

But there was a hard moment. When I thought about everything, I noticed, he made me feel something. He made me feel like a worthless piece of shit. Not cause he called me a bitch, but with his previous actions.
Suddenly I really felt worthless, my old doubts came back. I felt broken, very vulnerable and to be honest, in that moment, I regretted surviving my surgery.
I regretted being alive. That's what he did to me. And I'll never forgive him this.

I got caught. The only person in my life who can calm me was there for me. He calmed me with just some sentences and I could laugh again. He told me too, I did the right thing by telling the girl what happened.

I'll be very careful in future who I let close to me. It's just enough. Enough bad experiences. I had this year enough of them for a whole life and the year isn't even done yet.
With a backup like this, I came back to my senses again.

I regret nothing and by writing and publishing this story, I finally open up about it all to everyone.

No more of those secrets, I'm fed up with it! I don't even understand guys, who're interested in someone and start some shit with another person. Why? I don't get it. But I truly hope, such assholes stay away from me in future! I won't hesitate to fight anymore, I won't hesitate to tell the truth anymore. I know it's the right thing to do and I will NEVER allow anyone to make me feel bad for their choices, for their bad behavior, for their lies. It's not my fault, it's theirs. And if they can't deal with it, it's not my fucking problem at all!!