09/18/2020

So, I'm still alive!

I survived my surgery, even when there was only a 45% chance to survive this shit. Seems my willpower was enough in the end to win this fight.
Surrender is no option for people like me.

But I knew, this week would take its toll on me. I was in the room with 2 others and one of them didn't stop talking the whole time. It was stressful and I knew, it would hit me when everything is done.
This day was today. I hoped so much it would've happened yesterday, but well... Can't do anything about it.

Today was partly a good day, I had ups, but downs too. I ran into an aquaintance when I was grocery shopping and she didn't stop talking! I suddenly felt I had to go away FAST, but she didn't react to my tries to cut things short. I felt worse and worse and suddenly I felt my patience break and I yelled at her, she should leave me alone and that I'm not interested in her shit.
I'm not like this normally, there just was suddenly this panic, this "I have to get away. NOW!" feeling. When I was home again, everything was fine.
I called my therapist and told her what happened. She told me, it's ok to yell at annoying people if they don't get that I don't want to talk to them. Sometimes it's necessary. That was the peak today.

The last days I thought about many things, I had time enough xD
I saw to whom I'm important and to whom I'm not. I need to change my behavior towards some people. I'm not a plaything anymore. I'm no stopgap and I won't be used as one anymore.

I know, there are people who want to spend time with me, who want to talk to me.
Those people I can only tell this:

Now is your time. You want to talk to me, then do it. You want to spend time with me, do it! Or at least tell me. I can't read your minds, if you keep your mouth shut, I can't react to it.

If I was talking to you the whole time and suddenly stop, congrats then! You did something that made me pull back. You should look at your behavior towards me then.
I don't hesitate to cut people out of my life. It hurts, it always does, but I prefer a light pain now than a deeper pain again and again and again.

In my past there happened some things I kept quiet about for the sake of others. Trust me, I won't do it anymore. When I get involved in some shit and have the feeling, another involved person needs to know those things, I will tell them. I won't be a complice to bad behavior anymore.

With the things I don't know officially, I could fill books! It puts me under pressure, it's not good for me. So I need to stop this shit.