ATTENTION: whining/complaining post. If you don't want to read about this, don't read it
I'm so nervous cause of my surgery, it feels like a giant weight on me. I can barely breathe, it crushes me. I try so hard to be strong, I try so hard to stay calm. But the pressure only grows and grows.
I resist as much as I can, I try to keep me busy, to not think about Monday. So I can stay happy and cheerful and won't worry the people dear to me.
My chances are 50:50 to die.
Actually, I should already be in hospital since Friday, but I refused. I decided to be there Monday morning at 6. Then I'll get prepared. I wanted one last normal weekend, with the things I love and the people I love. I want to remember all the fun I had. To get some much needed strength to fight.
But now I'm just thinking, that I put a burden on those people. I'm so selfish when I want to keep them close now. Do I hurt them with my actions? Wouldn't it be better to just silently disappear? What am I doing to them? Involving them in my shit, in my fight.
I WILL fight. I have to. I found a reason to fight. Someone expects me to come back and stay strong. Heaven may crumble, hell may freeze, I will fight my way back. When I know, this persons thoughts and good wishes are with me, there's nothing I can't reach. I'd rather rip off my own arm before I disappoint him. So surviving is my only option.
I just... can't help being scared. I feel helpless, cause I can't really do something to improve my chances. My only weapons are my willpower, my stubborness and the thoughts of all the people who believe in me. They trust that I'll survive.
My best friend will be with me in hospital. He keeps my mobile and has a list with people who should be informed about me. He knows, he's only authorized to talk to those people. If someone else asks for me, he won't even answer. And this list is short, only 4 names are on it. When I'm awake again and can think straight, I'll happily inform my dearest ones about my status.
I hope I'll wake up. There's still so much to do, so many goals I want to reach.
It's this conflict in me, this hanging in the air between fear and hope. I feel both and I don't like it. Fear makes me weak and I hate being weak. I HAVE to be strong.
No one sees my struggles to be so strong. Sometimes I wish, there was someone who just pulls me close and tells me "It's ok. Let me be strong for you for a while. Get some rest, I protect you", but this won't happen. The people on whose strength I rely are extremely rare and none of them would ever see me like this.
The tragic of my life. Being strong often means being lonely. Cause people just come to strong people for help, cause they need strength in their life and when they pushed through difficult times, they simply walk away.
Only very few stay. Only very few look beyond the strength and see the actual person.
Being strong is a blessing and a curse. Who sees me like I am? Who likes me for the person I am? It's often difficult to tell
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Enough whining. Time to be strong again, right? I just needed to let it out, only once. Writing about it makes me feel better, so I hope, this post won't offend people dear to me
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