ATTENTION: contains some tears, I use that post to get rid of negative feelings. I know it will work, it always does.
"Are you fine?" yes, I am. As long as I keep myself busy, surrounded by people who distract me
"Are you happy?" yes, I am. As long as I keep myself busy, surrounded by people who distract me
"Can you handle it?" yes, I can. As long as I keep myself busy, surrounded by people who distract me
When I'm alone...
"Why are your eyes so sad?" Doesn't matter, I'll get over it
"Why does your smile seem so forced?" Doesn't matter, I'll get over it
"Why did you cry?" Doesn't matter, I'll get over it
"Who did this to you?" I did it to myself
Drama again? No, not really. I just left people very dear to me. I didn't see any other possibility. No one showed me another one. I felt like fighting windmills, trying and trying and trying and it got me anywhere. It was so frustrating. I felt stuck in a situation I hated, didn't know how to get out, didn't know what to do to improve on it
"Come with us, we make our own thing"
Not the first time, I got told this. But this time I accepted. I got asked to be the leader and I accepted.
I knew I could do it. Not the first time that I lead something. I know what I have to do and I'll give my best. I know it won't be easy, but this challenge might exactly be what I need.
The prize was high. I lost many people I deeply cared about. It often happens that I see things and think "I should show them, they'd like it. Oh..." and then I realize again that I can't anymore. It hurts every single time.
I will get over it. I have to. I'm a leader now. I have to be strong. I can't let it drag me down.
Yes, I'm sad and I grieve about all the things that happened, but I will get over it. It just takes some time.
What hurts the most are the accusations. I was not the only one who left but I get accused, that I put my reasons in their mouths and convinced them to leave with me. That's just not true, I didn't. And I definitely don't control other people, that's bullshit.
I know exactly who's happy that I left, I know exactly, who said which mean things. There are still people who like me and know, I'm not like they try to make me seen.
Seems as if I wasted a lot of time, strength and energy to the wrong people. That's life, such things happen. I'm not the only one who had to realize that. So far those people didn't try to mess with me. One guy tried with 2 of my people. I didn't step in. Yet.
But if I'm forced to, I will. Even if it means going against someone I like. Even if it means I get hurt.
I don't mind getting hurt, I'm used to it! I know I will heal again. And I will do everything to protect my people and keep them safe.
I truly hope they don't make me fight them, but if they do, I won't hesitate to go all in. That's the only way I know. All or nothing, there are no half hearted things with me. There never was anything I did only half hearted and I surely won't start now!
I'm a goddamned leader and I take my responsibility very serious. That's my priority now, everything else, even my personal feelings, have to step back..
What most people don't know about me: the more I suffer, I stronger I become. It was always like this, it will be like this again. And therefore I'll NEVER be a victim. Just an explorer on the road to more strength
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