09/02/2020

 I'm so happy now! Summer is nearly over, it's not so hot anymore.
I always feel way better in autumn.

It's weird, while most people feel way better in summer, with all the sun and such stuff, I only get moody, grumpy, I don't feel well at all. Summer is literally torture for me.

I talked a lot to an old friend. He said my personality changed pretty much. Did I really. I don't think so. I'm more myself than the last years. As if the warrior in me finally woke up again. I'm not so scared anymore than I was the whole time. I'm more self confident and that's nothing bad.

I took my time to think a lot, to talk to people a lot who know me for a long long time. I had to realize many things. Some of them hurt me, some of them shock me, cause I buried them so deep in me and didn't dare to touch those thoughts, those feelings.

But I realized, I spent way too much time burying this stuff. I finally have to admit, there is this one special person. I told myself for weeks "nah, we're just friends, there are no deeper feelings" but there are. That situation is new for me and I'm not really sure how to handle it. I have no idea how this person feels about me and I'm so so scared to lose a good friendship. I don't know what to do. Tell him or not? Wait until it passes me like a flu or not?

I know I'm ready for something new, I can feel it deep inside. It's a good feeling. We'll see where it leads me. I don't give a fuck for gender. Not even for age gap. Heck, one of my best friends has a boyfriend who's 17 years younger than her and they have the sweetest relationship. So why should I care about such a nonsense? If two people fit together, it's totally fine with me. There's no need to make life harder than it is.