As usual I take this blog to get rid of negative emotions. So it will contain bitter feelings, some tears and maybe some rage.
I was talking with someone about love and it left me thinking about myself.
Yes, I'm alone. I didn't feel loved since years, to be honest. And I wonder why.
Am I such a weird person? So disgusting everyone doesn't have another choice but to leave me? Am I not loveable enough? Not worthy enough to be loved?
Everytime I got rejected in my life, I just smiled, told them it's ok. Then I turned around, walked away and never looked back so they wouldn't see the tears in my eyes.
I'm still strong, I always was. Strong women aren't easy to love. And I'm a warrior on top. Warriors are never loved. They are needed. They are used. But never wanted or even loved. Cause with warriors comes war. No one wants to get involved in war and warriors tend to look for someone who stays with them in times of war too.
In another entry I said, it's enough for me to help my friends finding their happiness. I still have this opinion, that didn't change.
But sometimes I can't help but wish there was someone for me.
I got rejected for very different reasons. The most ridiculous is my age. As if that'd change who I am. I'm still the same person. My personality didn't suddenly change because of my age. So bitch please!
I even got rejected cause I had cancer! I beat that shit, I survived, I'm healthy again! So why is THAT a reason to reject me?! Because I fought it and won?
People sometimes suck so so much.
I wish, I really wish I could say I'm done with love. Not looking for someone anymore. But this damn hope just won't leave me alone.
Disappointment, hope, disappointment, it just never stops. While all I want is someone to hug me and tell me "It's ok. It stops now, I won't leave you."
I'm just too stupid, right?
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