10/16/2020

So... Now it happened... That what so many people fear hit me now...

My whole area is now officially declared as high risk zone for Covid. Just great. I'm in high risk group too and I can't hide in my flat forever. I have to go out, I have to do my grocery shopping. My strong allergy to antidisinfectants isn't helpful either!

I'm scared to catch it, but I'm way more scared for my friends. If I could save them by sacrificing myself, I wouldn't even hesitate one second.

One of my close friends has caught Covid. He told me today. He has symptoms. I can't even take care of him cause he's too far away. I don't know what to do in worst case. I never felt that helpless. I want to be there for him, to help him, to take care of him, but I can't. He told me not to worry, but how could I not worry?!

He means a lot to me, I like him so much. Since I know he's sick, I'm crying. He doesn't know and since he doesn't read my blog he'll never know.
I'm worried sick for him. If it gets worse... I want to do something. I want to get over to his place, even if it means driving for 15 hours and crossing 2 borders, I don't fucking care!
All I can do is praying for his health and that destroys me.

All I want is the people I care about to be safe. I don't know what to do. What can I do? I'm trapped between worry and hope, I'm so far from calm again.

I wish I could do something to make sure he gets better, to make sure, all people I care about are safe.

Nothing feels worse than being helpless. Not being able to help, not being able to care...
When he told me, he has it with symptoms I felt my heart break. He's such a close friend, I don't want to lose him!
I lost enough this year, could destiny please leave me my friends?

I wish I could just shrug it off and behave as if nothing happened, but I just can't.

And yet... I have to. I have to be cheerful and fun and full of hope and be like always, so he won't worry about me. I have to be strong for him, even if it destroys me. Even if I cry and scream and curse and feel my heart breaking, I'll have to be the funny girl he knows. To distract him. To make it easy for him, so he can focus on getting healthy again without woories for me. I have no idea how to handle it, I can only try.

Put on the smiling mask and never let him know how badly it truly hit me.
I call him my queen cause he is exactly this for me. My dearest queen, one of my closest friends. One of the few people who I'm never shy around.

I just hope and pray. Acting like nothing happened will be hard but I have to pull through for his sake. I just hope I can handle it without people around who can calm me. No one can at the moment and that's ok. I will get through it somehow...