07/28/2020

This is the 2nd day without my medication. Pharmacy didn't get it in time, so I have to endure it now. Maybe (I truly hope!) they get it tomorrow.

I'm fine! Really!

No, I'm not. I'm kinda moody and this voice in my head keeps yelling at me louder.

I try my best to ignore it, but I can't hide, this voice put some questions in my mind. I know exactly they will be left unanswered. Answering them would mean showing feelings for me and let's be honest, I'm just not worthy of deep feelings. There are people who might like me, but... Does it make a difference if I'm here or not?

Does my presence in their life make a difference? What would happen if I'd disappear? Would it even be noticed?

I surely wouldn't be missed by anyone. Maybe some would wonder for a day or even 2 where I am and then I'd be forgotten. Just another shadow in the dark, not worth a 2nd thought.

And maybe it has to be like this.

07/26/2020

Feelings are sometimes a bitch.

Either you feel too much or nothing. I tend to suppress feelings, when I don't want to feel them. It works great at day, when I have enough distraction, but the nights... The nights are a problem.

Everything comes back to me.

Fear, insecurity. But things like love too. Dreams of a happy end. Not with my ex partner, this is done. I really can say, I don't love her anymore. I like her and I like talking to her, but if we don't talk every day, even every week, it doesn't bother me anymore.

But there is another one. A dull pain deep in my heart, making me cry when I don't carefully suppress those feelings.

I don't want to feel deep for this person, really not. We don't even talk in private to each other. Sometimes it feels so awkward just seeing this one around, being in a group with this person. I fall silent, I don't want to say anything that could make this one think I have still feelings.

But... There's a part of me, that wishes, this person would come to me, tell me there are the same feelings. I know, it will never happen, I'm realistic. That's just that romantic part of me, that wants to believe in a happy end.

There can't be a happy end, at least not for me.

Sometimes I think, I was born to suffer, to never know true happiness till the end. I can handle these thoughts somehow.

It's enough happiness for me, when I see my friends are happy, when I see they find their happiness.

And yet I write these word while smiling and crying. It's ok. I will be ok again. Not now, but maybe later. Or tomorrow. Those tears will stop, the pain will fade, like always. I only need enough patience to endure it a bit longer.

I will survive it, get over it, maybe even fall in love again someday.

Unil then, I just mustn't permit such feelings.

Sometimes I wish, I just could rip out my heart. It would be so much easier without feelings. Life could be nice without them. But I know... I know, I can't stop feeling.

I wish I could talk to this person only once again, tell, what's really on my mind. Ask so many unanswered questions. No, it's not the one I wrote about, it's not the one who got a 2nd chance from me. I know, some might think this, so I need to make this clear.

Of course, I won't tell this certain someone anything that's on my mind. I'm not sure if it would stay between us and I'm scared to death, other people laugh behind my back about me.

If you read my blog, you know, such a situation nearly made me commit suicide, cause I couldn't bear it.

So I keep it all to myself. I don't even write it down here. Too risky for me.

24/07/2020

There's more than one kind of depression. Not all are the same. Scientists don't even know where they all come from, there are only several theories.

Some think it's genetic, others think, it happens when the actual personality has to be suppressed and others hold the opinion, it's all about environment. But no one knows for real.

My therapist thinks, my depression comes from too many people around me that tried to break me. I won't tell everything, only the last straw, that finally made me reaching out for help.

If I hadn't reached out back then, I'd probably killed myself cause I couldn't bear it anymore.

When I was 26, I met a girl at work. We connected fast and so I was fast to call her "friend". She told me of other friends of hers I'd have to meet, but they'd have a tight schedule, so I should write them in messenger. I did, I started writing them. They were 5 people and I liked them all. I connected to one of them a bit more, we had fun writing to each other and soon I was looking forward to writing him each day.

But suddenly... Suddenly this girl from my work told me, something really bad has happened and he died. It hurt me so so much, I cried for days. One of the other guys was there for me a lot, distracted me, tried to cheer me up. I started to trust him after weeks. Until she came again and told me, he died too.

I was devastated, felt so broken...

And then I found out, it all was a lie. No one of these "guys" I wrote to ever existed. This girl I called friend and her husband did this to me. They wanted to find out, how far they can go, they wanted to know, how far they can play. They did for nearly 3 months!

They played with me, with my feelings, my trust. I felt so broken, so empty. I didn't know anymore, how I should EVER trust anyone again. Worst part of it was, I felt ashamed for falling for their lies. I saw myself at fault for trusting her. I wanted to hide from everyone, there was this picture in my head, how much they laughed about me. I couldn't bear it. I wanted it to end, forever. No more laughing, no more shame. Only peace. I felt destroyed and broken.

My best friend found me in time and dragged me to a therapist. There I learned, nothing of this shit was my fault. It was their fault, they're the sick assholes who play with people. I was just the way too soft and trusting idiot who fell for their lies.

But the damage was done. It took years, till I played an online game again and even then I always played with one person I knew I could trust and didn't pay attention to others. I hid myself behind this one person.

It took way longer till I mustered up the courage to play alone, to talk to people online and even to trust them.

Actually it was this year.

And it's fine!

I found people, I really can trust. Not all people out there are bad.

I let myself control by fear for too long. That's over now.

Of course I know, there still are bad people, assholes who try their games on me. But I know, there are people who catch me, who mean well for me.

Yes, I went through hell, more than once in my life. But I always got out. I always had the strength to deal with it somehow.

I will never stop fighting my way through hell.

And if you're out there and feel like being alone in hell, let me tell you, you're not!

There are people who care, people who like us, even when we feel broken and worthless.

We WILL get over it and come out way stronger than we were before.

Surrendering is no option. Never.

If you know me, I want you to know, you can always talk to me. I'll be there. If you need help in hell, I won't hesitate going back there and help you fight out.

My friends know this. At least I hope they do xD

07/18/2020

WARNING: This post may contain some truths, you don't want to read.

I feel angry and very sad and I will use this post to let this out. I have to get rid of those thoughts, of those feelings and writing it down helps me. Things that shock or hurt me often hit me way later than they actually happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at those people. Not anymore, I'm over it and really calm about everything.

I'll tell you about my June. Just this one month, that made someone I talked to shiver, just imagining to have to go through all this shit.

I met a guy. Online. I only thought he's a nice funny guy. I let him close, maybe too close. He told me, I'm cute, pretty and gorgeous. He told me very lewd things. He even told me, he wants to be my plaything till I am the only thing on his mind, cause he desperately wants me already. When I went offline cause I was fed up with his talking about another girl (not out of jealousy, it just annoyed me as hell!), he immediately wrote me to make sure I know, they're just friends. If I was only a online random, he wouldn't have acted like this. That's something you tell your girlfriend to not make her angry. Someday I trusted him enough to take an actual pic for him. Nothing special, just a normal pic. And suddenly he said, he can't show affection or talk about feelings, using my (meanwhile ex) partner as an excuse. He even deleted messages he sent to me and never called me cute or gorgeous again and started avoiding me and ignoring me. He still says, he didn't, but he did so obviously, that other people even asked, why he ignores me!

And the best part of it: There are people who see ME at fault! They think I took it too serious! Yeah sure, he starts telling me such things and it's my fault... I TOTALLY agree! Not... In such things are always 2 people involved, I was NOT the creep that seduced him. I had a partner that time! And even if this relationship was already broken, I tried to fix it. We were MARRIED in real life! I just wanted someone to play an online game with! I didn't ask for lewd stuff and I really, really, REALLY didn't ask him to tell me about... let's call it a "hard fact"! But suuuure, I'm the bad one. I had to endure this hurting shit and behave as if nothing happened around him. I did. I never told anyone about all of this. I don't care if I'm seen as a bad person and probably it will be worse when (if!) they read this post. But for real, fuck them! Why should I always endure and never tell anything? Why should I always be considerate and never tell what's on my mind? I have to fucking stop behaving like this!

As I said, my relationship with my partner was pretty much brocken and so it came that I'll be divorced soon. That is really ok, we still talk from time to time. Very calm and friendly, on a friendship basis. We both didn't make accusations and still we don't do.

I started playing and doing online stuff with another one. I liked him a lot, I still do. He calmed me down in no time, I was very grateful for that. He could cheer me up, when no other could. I trusted him so so much, I told him everything. When I really was down, he was the only one reaching out to me. Of course I started relying on him. I play mostly healer, he plays tank. That's always a nice combo and I was happy doing stuff with him and being able to heal him. I enjoyed some superficial flirts with him too, but I didn't see it as a big deal.

Until a bomb exploded.

By chance I found out, he was like this with 2 other girls too. We 3 teamed up and started talking about him and what he told us. We compared talks and what we saw... we didn't like. It hurt us all a lot. That was so unnecessary, I didn't even know, should I laugh, cry or scream. It felt so surreal, so totally wrong.

I made a very unique offer. An offer I never made before. I offered him to cut the past completely, to start again as friends. I never made accusations, I never asked one of those millions of questions that went through my mind. I just moved on and stayed at his side as the loyal friend I always wanted to be for him.

I fought my own battles. I don't think he'll ever know, how far I pushed me over my own limits. I fought through hurt feelings, I fought through doubts, through rejections, through accusations towards me. I fought through "Make him sweat, take revenge for us all" which I refused. I'm very sure, I found more than one enemy by doing this, but I don't care. I promised this guy to stay, to have his back, to be his shield. And I really give my best to be. If I hear, someone has a problem with this, I reach out and handle it in my own way.

Just to remember: I WAS INVOLVED IN THIS SHIT!! Others were not, so they better keep their shitty mouths shut!

It was my decision to give this friendship another chance and no one has the right to tell me off for it.

So yeah... That was my June. Lovely, right? There happened enough shit to break anyone. I really don't know how I still can keep up fighting. I only hope it's not a waste of my strength.

It's ridiculous! Most of this shit is about an online game!!

But I obviously only have 2 choices: either I give up, quit and leave everyone behind that I like from there or I fight on and hope for a better future.

One of my tatoos says "Hope" for a reason...

If you kept reading till here, congratulations! You made it through probably the longest post this blog will ever see xD

There are still some fights waiting for me and I'd really hate to let my opponents wait.

07/16/2020

Today is one of the not so good days.

It started already yesterday in the late evening. I wonder if I'm wanted, if I'm liked, if I'm needed. Is there anyone who wants me to be around him? Only one person that shows me I'm valued.

"You're overthinking" I hear that often. Maybe I am, but it's how I feel at the moment. In the end I'm alone again.

Maybe it's better like this. So I can't bother anyone and no one will be annoyed by me.

I just do what I always did. I put on my happy smiling mask and let no one see the tears behind it. I cried too much in the last weeks. And then I hear "yeah, your situation is bad, but cmon, you're over 30!" as if my age means, I'm not allowed to feel pain anymore. As if that means, I have to brush everything off and simply move on. Fuck those people. I'll stand alone, I'll fight alone. Nothing new to me. I'll handle this disappointed hope somehow.

07/15/2020

Today was a pretty good day. I was relaxed most of the day and had a lot of fun.

This morning was stormy and rainy and I went out, got some snacks and cuddled me up to watch horror movies. Of course I fell asleep while watching, it's always the same 😂

I talked to some people online and played my fav mmorpg. And even if there happened something, that made me feel ashamed (chose the wrong dungeon -.-) it was ok. I got over it and could have fun. I even made a new friend and tomorrow I'm invited to an ingame wedding. That makes me smile and I look forward to it. If that person really sends an invite of course ^^

Today this voice in my head kept quiet. I really feel good and I don't think that's gonna change much till I go to sleep. Of course you can never know, but it looks really good so far.

If something changes, I'll edit this post, but now I just allow myself to feel happy.

My diary of depression - what it is about, why I write it and so on

In a world full of sick people, depression is nearly normal nowadays. So many people suffer from it, but only a few talk about it.

My therapist suggested writing about depression and so this blog was born. I write in english cause it's easier for me to write in a foreign laguage than in German.

I'll try to write every day something, like a diary of my feelings, my thoughts. Maybe about sadness or happiness, maybe even about other people. I won't tell names tho.

Maybe this blog (if someone even reads it) can inform a bit about this illness. I don't want any pity, that'd be wrong. Depression has thousands of faces. Mine is one of them. It has so many symptoms, so many things belong to it.

So many people who suffer of depression are scared. Scared to lose people dear to them, scared to be stigmatized. Scared to hear "Oh come on, really? You don't have a reason for this!" and for real, this makes me fucking angry!

A sickness doesn't ask for a reason! Either you have it or you don't. Be happy if you don't have it, but try at least to understand, not everyone is as healthy as you!

The thousand faces of depression

Most people don't even know, what depression means. They think we sit around the whole day and cry. But that's not true. We can have fun, we can laugh, we can be happy and relaxed. We are most of the time. But there are other times too.

There are times, when it's too much of an effort to get up. When we're just exhausted. Too exhausted to bear the world, too exhausted to do anything. We just lay there, incapable of doing anything and wish, it would just end. We can't even ask for help, it's too much of an effort. We even don't see a reason in asking for help. Why should we?

There are 2 types of people, who react in the worst possible way. 1. the "Oh come on, get your shit together!" people and 2. the "What? Really? Oh no, I feel so bad for you!" people.

Both don't help at all! They only make it worse. To make it clear, I tell you what they do to us:

"get your shit together" people:

You make us feel incapable. Useless. It sounds so easy, when you tell us to get up, to go out, be social and so on. It is NOT easy for us. You make us feel worse, you make us feel weak. You frustrate us and we feel really bad about ourselves. We feel ashamed, cause we just CAN'T do the things you can do easily. Please finally understand, we are sick, not useless. So stop giving us this feeling!

"I feel so bad for you" people:

Well thank you. Thank you for making us feel guilty. You probably don't know it, but suffering from depression means too, we don't want to burden others with our shit. We're scared to be a burden! But when you tell us, you feel bad, cause we opened up to you and told you about it, what reaction do you expect? Certainly it won't be "Yay! I don't feel bad alone!"...

What you really can do:

When you see us pull back, becoming quiet or acting completely different than usual, just ask. Ask us, what's wrong, ask us what you can do to make us feel better. Offer to talk, to just listen. But accept a "no" too. That doesn't mean, we don't trust you anymore, it only means, we need time for ourselves, talking is just too much or we can't handle this tornado of feelings in us. Or even worse, the total abscence of feelings and we just stopped caring for anything. Make clear, we're not alone. If we want to talk, we'll need you more than anything.

The fear:

Yes, we are afraid of being open about depression. We can never know, how others will react. It's hard for us to talk about it. It's scary, cause this sickness can cost us friendships, relationships, we're scared to death of losing people dear to us. If this happens, it breaks us a little bit more, takes a little bit of ourself and makes us quiet.

The voice in my head

During therapy, I heard "depression is a voice in your head. It's a monster in your head, telling shitty things"

That's true. I hear that voice often. Fighting it takes strength. On some days, I can ignore this voice. On other days I can't. I let this voice drag me down. It's a lonely fight, even with therapy and medication. It's not easy, I often feel like in a cage. I know, I'm not myself, I know I'm acting weird. I try to escape this voice so so badly.

This voice keeps telling me, I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not enough as a person, not likeable. It tells me, I'm ugly, disgusting, no one wants to be near me for long. It tells me, I'll be left behind, all will leave me sooner or later cause no one can bear someone sick and disgusting as I am.

I feel weak, useless and like a burden to everyone. I become overly sensitive. When I reach out to someone and ask if we do something together and get rejected, this voice laughs at me and tells me "See? They don't want you. They don't need you. They pity you. No one values you, no one likes you." and I start believing it, I wonder for days, if I'm that stressful for others, if I'm that much of a burden. So I stop reaching out and just watch them having fun without me.

I wish I could be part of it, but I just can't ask, cause this damn fear has me too tight in its claws.

That is my daily fight. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But I refuse to surrender to that voice. I refuse to give up. I still have hope, that there are people telling me "It's ok. I'm there for you. Let's do something together. I come over, let's watch a movie and cuddle". I'm grateful and lucky to know such people. People who don't give up on me, who talk to me or kick my ass or slap some sense back to my head.

I won't give up hope, I can't give up hope. Therefore I will keep fighting this monster that wants to destroy me.