Some think it's genetic, others think, it happens when the actual personality has to be suppressed and others hold the opinion, it's all about environment. But no one knows for real.
My therapist thinks, my depression comes from too many people around me that tried to break me. I won't tell everything, only the last straw, that finally made me reaching out for help.
If I hadn't reached out back then, I'd probably killed myself cause I couldn't bear it anymore.
When I was 26, I met a girl at work. We connected fast and so I was fast to call her "friend". She told me of other friends of hers I'd have to meet, but they'd have a tight schedule, so I should write them in messenger. I did, I started writing them. They were 5 people and I liked them all. I connected to one of them a bit more, we had fun writing to each other and soon I was looking forward to writing him each day.
But suddenly... Suddenly this girl from my work told me, something really bad has happened and he died. It hurt me so so much, I cried for days. One of the other guys was there for me a lot, distracted me, tried to cheer me up. I started to trust him after weeks. Until she came again and told me, he died too.
I was devastated, felt so broken...
And then I found out, it all was a lie. No one of these "guys" I wrote to ever existed. This girl I called friend and her husband did this to me. They wanted to find out, how far they can go, they wanted to know, how far they can play. They did for nearly 3 months!
They played with me, with my feelings, my trust. I felt so broken, so empty. I didn't know anymore, how I should EVER trust anyone again. Worst part of it was, I felt ashamed for falling for their lies. I saw myself at fault for trusting her. I wanted to hide from everyone, there was this picture in my head, how much they laughed about me. I couldn't bear it. I wanted it to end, forever. No more laughing, no more shame. Only peace. I felt destroyed and broken.
My best friend found me in time and dragged me to a therapist. There I learned, nothing of this shit was my fault. It was their fault, they're the sick assholes who play with people. I was just the way too soft and trusting idiot who fell for their lies.
But the damage was done. It took years, till I played an online game again and even then I always played with one person I knew I could trust and didn't pay attention to others. I hid myself behind this one person.
It took way longer till I mustered up the courage to play alone, to talk to people online and even to trust them.
Actually it was this year.
And it's fine!
I found people, I really can trust. Not all people out there are bad.
I let myself control by fear for too long. That's over now.
Of course I know, there still are bad people, assholes who try their games on me. But I know, there are people who catch me, who mean well for me.
Yes, I went through hell, more than once in my life. But I always got out. I always had the strength to deal with it somehow.
I will never stop fighting my way through hell.
And if you're out there and feel like being alone in hell, let me tell you, you're not!
There are people who care, people who like us, even when we feel broken and worthless.
We WILL get over it and come out way stronger than we were before.
Surrendering is no option. Never.
If you know me, I want you to know, you can always talk to me. I'll be there. If you need help in hell, I won't hesitate going back there and help you fight out.
My friends know this. At least I hope they do xD
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