Either you feel too much or nothing. I tend to suppress feelings, when I don't want to feel them. It works great at day, when I have enough distraction, but the nights... The nights are a problem.
Everything comes back to me.
Fear, insecurity. But things like love too. Dreams of a happy end. Not with my ex partner, this is done. I really can say, I don't love her anymore. I like her and I like talking to her, but if we don't talk every day, even every week, it doesn't bother me anymore.
But there is another one. A dull pain deep in my heart, making me cry when I don't carefully suppress those feelings.
I don't want to feel deep for this person, really not. We don't even talk in private to each other. Sometimes it feels so awkward just seeing this one around, being in a group with this person. I fall silent, I don't want to say anything that could make this one think I have still feelings.
But... There's a part of me, that wishes, this person would come to me, tell me there are the same feelings. I know, it will never happen, I'm realistic. That's just that romantic part of me, that wants to believe in a happy end.
There can't be a happy end, at least not for me.
Sometimes I think, I was born to suffer, to never know true happiness till the end. I can handle these thoughts somehow.
It's enough happiness for me, when I see my friends are happy, when I see they find their happiness.
And yet I write these word while smiling and crying. It's ok. I will be ok again. Not now, but maybe later. Or tomorrow. Those tears will stop, the pain will fade, like always. I only need enough patience to endure it a bit longer.
I will survive it, get over it, maybe even fall in love again someday.
Unil then, I just mustn't permit such feelings.
Sometimes I wish, I just could rip out my heart. It would be so much easier without feelings. Life could be nice without them. But I know... I know, I can't stop feeling.
I wish I could talk to this person only once again, tell, what's really on my mind. Ask so many unanswered questions. No, it's not the one I wrote about, it's not the one who got a 2nd chance from me. I know, some might think this, so I need to make this clear.
Of course, I won't tell this certain someone anything that's on my mind. I'm not sure if it would stay between us and I'm scared to death, other people laugh behind my back about me.
If you read my blog, you know, such a situation nearly made me commit suicide, cause I couldn't bear it.
So I keep it all to myself. I don't even write it down here. Too risky for me.
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