I feel angry and very sad and I will use this post to let this out. I have to get rid of those thoughts, of those feelings and writing it down helps me. Things that shock or hurt me often hit me way later than they actually happened. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at those people. Not anymore, I'm over it and really calm about everything.
I'll tell you about my June. Just this one month, that made someone I talked to shiver, just imagining to have to go through all this shit.
I met a guy. Online. I only thought he's a nice funny guy. I let him close, maybe too close. He told me, I'm cute, pretty and gorgeous. He told me very lewd things. He even told me, he wants to be my plaything till I am the only thing on his mind, cause he desperately wants me already. When I went offline cause I was fed up with his talking about another girl (not out of jealousy, it just annoyed me as hell!), he immediately wrote me to make sure I know, they're just friends. If I was only a online random, he wouldn't have acted like this. That's something you tell your girlfriend to not make her angry. Someday I trusted him enough to take an actual pic for him. Nothing special, just a normal pic. And suddenly he said, he can't show affection or talk about feelings, using my (meanwhile ex) partner as an excuse. He even deleted messages he sent to me and never called me cute or gorgeous again and started avoiding me and ignoring me. He still says, he didn't, but he did so obviously, that other people even asked, why he ignores me!
And the best part of it: There are people who see ME at fault! They think I took it too serious! Yeah sure, he starts telling me such things and it's my fault... I TOTALLY agree! Not... In such things are always 2 people involved, I was NOT the creep that seduced him. I had a partner that time! And even if this relationship was already broken, I tried to fix it. We were MARRIED in real life! I just wanted someone to play an online game with! I didn't ask for lewd stuff and I really, really, REALLY didn't ask him to tell me about... let's call it a "hard fact"! But suuuure, I'm the bad one. I had to endure this hurting shit and behave as if nothing happened around him. I did. I never told anyone about all of this. I don't care if I'm seen as a bad person and probably it will be worse when (if!) they read this post. But for real, fuck them! Why should I always endure and never tell anything? Why should I always be considerate and never tell what's on my mind? I have to fucking stop behaving like this!
As I said, my relationship with my partner was pretty much brocken and so it came that I'll be divorced soon. That is really ok, we still talk from time to time. Very calm and friendly, on a friendship basis. We both didn't make accusations and still we don't do.
I started playing and doing online stuff with another one. I liked him a lot, I still do. He calmed me down in no time, I was very grateful for that. He could cheer me up, when no other could. I trusted him so so much, I told him everything. When I really was down, he was the only one reaching out to me. Of course I started relying on him. I play mostly healer, he plays tank. That's always a nice combo and I was happy doing stuff with him and being able to heal him. I enjoyed some superficial flirts with him too, but I didn't see it as a big deal.
Until a bomb exploded.
By chance I found out, he was like this with 2 other girls too. We 3 teamed up and started talking about him and what he told us. We compared talks and what we saw... we didn't like. It hurt us all a lot. That was so unnecessary, I didn't even know, should I laugh, cry or scream. It felt so surreal, so totally wrong.
I made a very unique offer. An offer I never made before. I offered him to cut the past completely, to start again as friends. I never made accusations, I never asked one of those millions of questions that went through my mind. I just moved on and stayed at his side as the loyal friend I always wanted to be for him.
I fought my own battles. I don't think he'll ever know, how far I pushed me over my own limits. I fought through hurt feelings, I fought through doubts, through rejections, through accusations towards me. I fought through "Make him sweat, take revenge for us all" which I refused. I'm very sure, I found more than one enemy by doing this, but I don't care. I promised this guy to stay, to have his back, to be his shield. And I really give my best to be. If I hear, someone has a problem with this, I reach out and handle it in my own way.
Just to remember: I WAS INVOLVED IN THIS SHIT!! Others were not, so they better keep their shitty mouths shut!
It was my decision to give this friendship another chance and no one has the right to tell me off for it.
So yeah... That was my June. Lovely, right? There happened enough shit to break anyone. I really don't know how I still can keep up fighting. I only hope it's not a waste of my strength.
It's ridiculous! Most of this shit is about an online game!!
But I obviously only have 2 choices: either I give up, quit and leave everyone behind that I like from there or I fight on and hope for a better future.
One of my tatoos says "Hope" for a reason...
If you kept reading till here, congratulations! You made it through probably the longest post this blog will ever see xD
There are still some fights waiting for me and I'd really hate to let my opponents wait.
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