The voice in my head

During therapy, I heard "depression is a voice in your head. It's a monster in your head, telling shitty things"

That's true. I hear that voice often. Fighting it takes strength. On some days, I can ignore this voice. On other days I can't. I let this voice drag me down. It's a lonely fight, even with therapy and medication. It's not easy, I often feel like in a cage. I know, I'm not myself, I know I'm acting weird. I try to escape this voice so so badly.

This voice keeps telling me, I'm not good enough, not strong enough, not enough as a person, not likeable. It tells me, I'm ugly, disgusting, no one wants to be near me for long. It tells me, I'll be left behind, all will leave me sooner or later cause no one can bear someone sick and disgusting as I am.

I feel weak, useless and like a burden to everyone. I become overly sensitive. When I reach out to someone and ask if we do something together and get rejected, this voice laughs at me and tells me "See? They don't want you. They don't need you. They pity you. No one values you, no one likes you." and I start believing it, I wonder for days, if I'm that stressful for others, if I'm that much of a burden. So I stop reaching out and just watch them having fun without me.

I wish I could be part of it, but I just can't ask, cause this damn fear has me too tight in its claws.

That is my daily fight. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. But I refuse to surrender to that voice. I refuse to give up. I still have hope, that there are people telling me "It's ok. I'm there for you. Let's do something together. I come over, let's watch a movie and cuddle". I'm grateful and lucky to know such people. People who don't give up on me, who talk to me or kick my ass or slap some sense back to my head.

I won't give up hope, I can't give up hope. Therefore I will keep fighting this monster that wants to destroy me.