08/26/2020

 Today is one of those days. I can't stop thinking. Not the nicest thoughts surround me.
I feel lonely, but to be honest, I could sit in a room full of people and feel lonely.

It's one of those days... I wonder what I am to people. What do I mean to those people I call friends? Am I a friend for them? A nuisance? A burden? Some random who's just there?
I don't know it anymore.

No, it's not without reason, at least not in my opinion. I ask so often...
"You wanna do something?"
"Could you help me with xy?"
"How was your day?"
"How are you?"
but no one asks me. So I wonder... Do they like being around me or not? Can I still call this friendship? It makes me sad.

These thoughts go their own ways, they go further and further until I wonder if I should just disappear. Just poof and I'm gone.

It's totally ok that not everybody likes me. I don't like everybody as well. But please don't make me waste my time then.
I'm not stupid. I see hints. I see who shows interest in me. I see things that are going on in the background. I don't tell everything I know, why should I? I only want the people around me being open to me. Is that too much to ask? I guess so.
It's truly frustrating to know when something's going on and people behave as if nothing happened.
Do they really think I'm that stupid? The only thing holding me back from telling is my loyalty.

But even I have my limits and maybe it's time that I show them.

08/22/2020

 I got asked "How is it to have depression for you?" and I really needed some time to think about it. To describe something like this... It's not only very complex, but also very challenging to be completely open about it. I decided to be as open as possible and try to explain as clear as I can.

Many people think, people with depression sit around in the corner and are only sad and nothing more. This is not true. At least not entirely.
For me it's like waves, sometimes I'm high up, cheerful, funny, I laugh a lot and enjoy good times with my friends. Luckily those times outweigh the bad times. It can happen taht it hits me suddenly out of the blue. I just sit there, enjoy a movie, am happy... and suddenly I start to cry, I lose my joy, can't bear the movie anymore, even if I loved it just one second ago. It feels like every joy got sucked out of me in an instant. It doesn't need a special reason.

Being depressive means, you don't control your feelings or your thoughts. It means, they control you. You can imagine the struggle to go against it.
Let me make one thing clear: everyone needs to find their own way to handle it. What works for me, doesn't necessarily work for you and the other way round. I got my methods that work and I found ways to get over it pretty quickly.

It wasn't always like that. I still remember times, where I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. I remember how much I struggled to even sit. There were times, I was scared as hell to leave my flat cause I feared to meet neighbours and had to say hi. I remember standing on my balcony and looking down and thinking "It would be so easy. Lean over a little bit more. Just a little and it's over. You'll have peace." That was years ago and I'm really happy I got over it. It was far from easy to deal with it and without a really good therapist, I would've been screwed.

Compared to then, I really feel well now. To get over it was NOT the biggest proof of my strength. But seeking help was. You need this strength, the courage for a change, then you can get better. Meanwhile my therapist even thinks I can get healed completely.
I don't want to brag about it, I just try to explain how it was for me. It was struggle and it was fight, sometimes in every second the whole day long.

I still have issues, I still have struggles. But I work on them. With my therapist, but in my own way too. That's the most important part in my opinion. You can't go to a therapist like "Here I am, make me healthy again, that's your job". That's not how it works. You have to work your ass off. Permanently, again and again.

Of course there will be throwbacks and sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back. That's normal. Don't give up. I didn't and I still won't. It's about my life and I want to stay alive, I want to be healthy again. I want to live this life to the fullest.

Sure, I often hesitated to participate in things, cause I wondered "what if it hits me then? What if I have a panic attack?" but just imagine, only for a second, that it won't hit you exactly then.
There's something called hope. If I don't feel well today, that's ok. There's always a tomorrow to be happy again. I just need patience and endurance, then I will see it.

I hope I could make a bit clear how it is to live with depression. I know, sometimes I stress people around me out cause they don't get why I suddenly act so different and suddenly be sad for no obvious reason. Believe me, I'm really grateful for every single one who doesn't give up on me. I'm so grateful for people who try to understand, even it's just reading this blog. Those people mean more to me than I ever could express.

08/14/2020

 My raging fury has not left me. It's still part of me, pushes me forward, gives me strength and makes me sharp as a blade.

Sometimes, this raging fury is much needed. Some people don't deserve my softness, my kindness. Some people do things, not even I can forgive.
I'll stop being kryptic now.

I told you about June, especially the end of June. You can find it here.
I found out, one of the girls wasn't honest. SHE was the real piece of shit, not the guy. SHE told us about being single for years and only he could make her feel something again. But she was in a relationship! For 6 months! So while she complained about betrayed trust, she betrayed her boyfriend, even spoke about him in a really not nice way.
She's talking badly about me too, calling me a devious snake and such lovely words. Cause I chose the guy over her. I should thank the Goddess on my knees for my good instincts! I bet she's only angry I was faster than her with offering a second chance.

I wrote her. I told her, I know everything and she better stays far away from us all. These people are my online family and I WILL protect them at all cost! Especially this guy. I promised to stay with him, to have his back and protect him. If she wants him, she has to come past me. Of course I told him everything at once.

No, raging fury hasn't left me. But it doesn't consume me either. I transformed it to strength, to be the shield for everyone who is dear to me. If needed, I will fight.
I will tell them all what she did, even in more details than I write here.
This fight can only end in one way. If needed I destroy her. She wants to mess with people dear to me? Fine, then she has to face the consequence. Her consequence am I!

08/10/2020

 I... don't even know where to start.

There happened so so much in such a short time. I sometimes feel like living in a soap opera xD

Am I happy? Sometimes I guess. There were days I cried of course, but being sad is ok! No one can always be happy, right?
But I feel less dead inside and that's positive. My heart is a bit less made of stone and that's positive too.

I... can't hide it. And I won't. There are still so many fights waiting for me. I know this.
But most people forget, I'm a warrior. I was BORN to fight. Why else would I have to pass such trials again and again?
I nearly died 5 times in my life. I survived. I fought. I know I can endure a lot more. Last year I ass kicked cancer and fought till I was in perfect health again.

Yes, my body has scars. Yes, most people find them ugly and think I should always hide them.
You know what? I won't! I show them proudly and I won't be ashamed of them. They show my fights and, what's way more important, my victories!
I will never stop fighting. Maybe alone, maybe with someone by my side. If I find them worthy enough. If they don't try to make me weaker than I am. I am not weak!
Sure, sometimes I retreat. Sometimes I decide, a fight isn't worth it or I think about a new strategy.
But I won't, for real, I REFUSE! to give in to someone who tries to beat me. I won't let them have victory, cause victory is MINE and mine alone.

Yes, it might take some time, it even might look if I had lost. But I simply wait. Wait and watch and when the moment is right, I will come back and fight harder than ever before.

Yes, I might be desperate, sad and even hopeless from time to time. That's normal! Even for warriors. But what really counts is to always come back to your feet.

So if you're out there, desperately searching for a way to handle something... Don't give up! Fight on when you think it's worth it. 
But if isn't, don't hesitate to drop the fight. It will hurt, a LOT, but you will get over it. Worthless fights are a waste of life time and energy. Don't waste it. No one is worth wasted time and energy. Never!