I got asked "How is it to have depression for you?" and I really needed some time to think about it. To describe something like this... It's not only very complex, but also very challenging to be completely open about it. I decided to be as open as possible and try to explain as clear as I can.
Many people think, people with depression sit around in the corner and are only sad and nothing more. This is not true. At least not entirely.
For me it's like waves, sometimes I'm high up, cheerful, funny, I laugh a lot and enjoy good times with my friends. Luckily those times outweigh the bad times. It can happen taht it hits me suddenly out of the blue. I just sit there, enjoy a movie, am happy... and suddenly I start to cry, I lose my joy, can't bear the movie anymore, even if I loved it just one second ago. It feels like every joy got sucked out of me in an instant. It doesn't need a special reason.
Being depressive means, you don't control your feelings or your thoughts. It means, they control you. You can imagine the struggle to go against it.
Let me make one thing clear: everyone needs to find their own way to handle it. What works for me, doesn't necessarily work for you and the other way round. I got my methods that work and I found ways to get over it pretty quickly.
It wasn't always like that. I still remember times, where I didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. I remember how much I struggled to even sit. There were times, I was scared as hell to leave my flat cause I feared to meet neighbours and had to say hi. I remember standing on my balcony and looking down and thinking "It would be so easy. Lean over a little bit more. Just a little and it's over. You'll have peace." That was years ago and I'm really happy I got over it. It was far from easy to deal with it and without a really good therapist, I would've been screwed.
Compared to then, I really feel well now. To get over it was NOT the biggest proof of my strength. But seeking help was. You need this strength, the courage for a change, then you can get better. Meanwhile my therapist even thinks I can get healed completely.
I don't want to brag about it, I just try to explain how it was for me. It was struggle and it was fight, sometimes in every second the whole day long.
I still have issues, I still have struggles. But I work on them. With my therapist, but in my own way too. That's the most important part in my opinion. You can't go to a therapist like "Here I am, make me healthy again, that's your job". That's not how it works. You have to work your ass off. Permanently, again and again.
Of course there will be throwbacks and sometimes it feels like one step forward and two steps back. That's normal. Don't give up. I didn't and I still won't. It's about my life and I want to stay alive, I want to be healthy again. I want to live this life to the fullest.
Sure, I often hesitated to participate in things, cause I wondered "what if it hits me then? What if I have a panic attack?" but just imagine, only for a second, that it won't hit you exactly then.
There's something called hope. If I don't feel well today, that's ok. There's always a tomorrow to be happy again. I just need patience and endurance, then I will see it.
I hope I could make a bit clear how it is to live with depression. I know, sometimes I stress people around me out cause they don't get why I suddenly act so different and suddenly be sad for no obvious reason. Believe me, I'm really grateful for every single one who doesn't give up on me. I'm so grateful for people who try to understand, even it's just reading this blog. Those people mean more to me than I ever could express.
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