04/11/2021

Sometimes I feel tired. Not physically. Just tired of life. I feel as if I lose everyone around me, as if all around me pull back. It feels as if they're too shy to tell me to walk away cause they know about my depression.

And that's when the voice of depression kicks in, tells me "See? They walk away. You're tolerated, not wanted. You'll be alone again in no time". This voice uses every weakness, every insecurity to tell me that. I force it down, like I always do. But this damn feeling doesn't leave me. What if the voice is right? What if I'm left all alone in the end? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm simply not good enough.

I want to have trust in future. I want to have trust, that all will be well. But I'm scared.

Luckily there are people around me, who tell me, it's not true. Part of me knows that I'm appreciated, that I'm wanted.

I joined a group in a messenger with people who have depression themselves. Talking to them helps. We share methods of fighting and they told me "How? How can you be that strong?"

Yeah, how can I fight on and on, never give up? I am strong, I know that. I found a simple truth. Strong people don't fight lost wars. Strong women like me won't beg for affection. I won't run after someone who shows me that I'm not wanted. I'll move on, even if it rips my heart to pieces.

I'll always stay with people who want me. With people who tell me and show me, that they want me around. I won't give up on them. Never, in my whole life. I can't force them to like me. But I don't need to. I still have my dreams and I won't give up on them.

04/02/2021

Sometimes I wonder if the world is crazy or if I am crazy. Sometimes I wonder, what I fight for. I can't be only positive and cheerful. I have bad days too like every other person.

I'm highly sensitive, I notice so many small changes and they scare me. I'm scared so easily by more things than most people can imagine. Facing my fears takes so much strength, hardly anyone can imagine.

Why am I suddenly so down? Well, I woke up to a "nice" message. It said "you suck as a friend. You're the worst. The only thing you're good at is screwing up! It would be better if you just disappeared!" the background? I refused to go to a birthday party with over 20 people. I decided it's too risky, we have pandemia after all. There are over 30k infected people in my state and around 1k died of it. I know that I'm not the asshole for staying at home, but that message triggered me in the worst possible way. 

Am I really good for anything? Am I a bad friend? Even worse thoughts come up, thouths like... Am I worthless? Just a useless piece of shit? Does my life even mean anything?

I have so many plans, I have a partner and great friends around me. Just in moments like this, I feel broken. I feel hurt and scared, that they all walk away. I fear that I really am only good at screwing up and make them walk away from me. I'm scared to see all my plans turning to ashes.

I wish so so much I simply could say "Ok, that person was an asshole. Not my problem anymore" but I'm not like this. It gets to me, it hurts me and makes me sad. I don't mind fighting, not at all. I'm still a warrior, I'm still used to fight.

But the voice of depression got strong today thanks to that message. Of course I'll fight it again. But right now, it just keeps telling me "They'll all walk away. You'll be alone again for the rest of your life. No one wants you forever, you're not good enough. You will never be good enough for anything" and it scares me. It scares me cause I start believing it.

For all who wondered, how sensitive I really am, here you have it. That is what a simple message did to me.