07/08/2022

I thought back and forth for quite a while, if I should write this post.

Originally I started this blog, to inform about depression, to get things out of my system, when I was really upset. When I started it, it was needed, it was necessary for me. I went through some shit at that time and if I hadn't wrote it, it would've broken me. Sometimes this blog was my last resort and more than once I was crying a lot while writing a post. But I decided, it's not needed anymore.
My cries for help are heard. I have wonderful friends, who have m back. I have a wonderful partner, who's there for me. I have the feeling, I finally found peace.

That doesn't mean, I won't have struggles in future. My depression is still there, insecurities are still a thing for me. There will be times, when I feel shitty again, when I wonder, if I'm still needed or wanted. But honestly, I can talk to the people involved. I can ask them. Realising that was a big step for me. That I'm allowed to ask, allowed to talk to others about it.

I don't need to always be strong. I can be weak and I will be caught.
I hope my partner and friends see it the same way. That they can talk to me when something is bugging them.

I will not delete this blog, but I will stop using it for a long time I guess.
I'm fine, at least for now. That feels good. I feel safe when I think about the future. A bit nervous, cause I'll start a complete new life soon, but I'm doing good and look forward to it very much.

07/02/2022

Today is one of those days...

I know, I mentioned the call of the void in previous entries, so you should know, what it means. I know, many who hear that won't talk about it to their friends or partners, but it's so important. You need to know that someone has your back, so please do it.

I'm most certainly not the best example to follow, it takes a long time until I talk about things like that, if I talk about them at all. On top of it, I caught a flu, so I react more sensitive than usual.

The call of the void is different for everyone, but I decided to tell you how it's for me and how I react and maybe the one or the other recognizes themselves in my words.

What it does to me:

I feel useless. Not needed at all. Good for nothing. I just think I'm a worthless piece of trash. No one needs me, if they are with me, then only temporarily. I accept it. It's fine, cause no one deserves to be bound to a piece of trash. It hurts me, but I know that I'm a failure. Whatever I try, it's wrong. In real life, in the games I play... I'm just stupid and worthless, no one needs me or wants me around. The only thing that can bring relief from it is death. Death is tempting. Just sleeping forever. Eternal peace and silence. When I hear the call of the void, it's so tempting to follow. Just ending it all. Just thinking about it makes me smile, cause in that moment, barely anything can reach me to show me there's still happiness for me.

How I react:

I fall silent. Sometimes I react passive aggressive to keep people at a distance. Sometimes I'm overly cheerful, nearly hyper, but that's extremely rare. In most cases I'm just silent. Keep your eyes open for each other and if you notice someone acts weird, ask. Don't give up. Talking about such things isn't easy and often people basically have to be forced to talk about it.

But there also are side effects. It's not only hearing the call that gets me. Anxiety spikes up, I suddenly get the wildest thoughts. The logical thinking part of me knows, it's only nonsense, but my other part takes over in this situation. It hurts me a lot, it's heartbreaking. I fight it with everything I have.

But my insecurities also spike up and weird thoughts cross my mind. Thoughts like "Why does my partner even want to stay with me? I'm disgusting, I'm old, I'm fat. They can have way better people than me". I just recently talked to them about all of this and I got a "You won't go anywhere, I won't go anywhere" back. I cling to those words, when it gets harder to fight. 

I'm actually disgusted by myself, cause I feel so incredibly weak. I absolutely HATE showing a weakness. I don't want to be seen as weak. I want to be seen as strong, happy and cheerful.

It's my biggest fear, that someone I consider close could think "She's a weakling, I can't rely on her, I'm better on my own".

That's the reason I barely talk about all of this or admit when I'm not feeling great.

I don't always know how to react. I smile and say "I'm fine", even when I'm not. Even when worries and anxiety are eating me. I'm fine. I stick to it. 

I will be fine again, in a day or 2. And till then... I just try to survive.

06/27/2022

I felt really surprised lately.

I'm in a very happy relationship. People around me have relationships too and I mostly think it's all fine. It's rare, that I really see red flags in relationships.

Even more I am surprised, that so many around me ask me for tips and advice on how to make their partner happy. They're not my partner, how the hell should I know what makes them happy? Or how they'll react?

But I can give you advice. Not specifically for your partner, but in general. I will link this thread, so if anyone will ask me that stuff, I'll send them to this thread ^^

Some things might sound... pretty harsh. Remember, it's just MY opinion, it doesn't have to count for all of you. Also there is no such thing as a check list on what to do. And don't blame me if any of my tips won't work! Again, it's YOUR partner and YOU should know them way better than me. If you don't, something went wrong.

Here it comes, my personal advice on how to make your partner happy:

- make them your priority. If you find it hard and realise, spending time with your partner is more an option for when others don't have time, you shouldn't choose that person as your partner

- communication is the key. When you decide to be in a relationship, you shouldn't keep secrets from your partner. They most likely will notice that something is off. Just spill the beans. It will hurt your partner more, when they hear it later or, even worse, from someone else

- if your partner has a rough time, be there for them. No, the newest game/movie/series is not more important. No, spending time with your friends isn't either. Your partner needs you, you'll be there. Simple as that

- a relationship is also a responsibility. Another person gives you their trust, their hopes, their time and their love. Don't betray it

- don't cheat! Cheating means more than jumping into bed with someone else. If you do things behind your partners back, that's cheating. If you meet with someone and don't tell your partner on purpose, for whatever reason, that's cheating too

- if your friends don't like your partner, that's THEIR problem. Don't make it yours. You are together with your partner, not them. In 90% of all cases it's simply jealousy

- think about how you can make your partner smile. Sweet words? A small gift here and there? Fulfill a wish? Do it! Ofc that works in both directions, if your partner only takes without putting effort in it themselves, that's highly frustrating and hurtful, I know that! Talk to them and tell them how it makes you feel

- don't take your partner for granted. Never! Don't take anything they do for you for granted. It's the small things that matter most. A nice morning message, a kiss, showing tolerance, those things are precious

- give your partner the most valuable thing you have: your time and full attention

- don't have always have friends around. Have quality time, just the 2 of you, focussing on each other. With others around you can never talk openly about the really important things

- don't make your partner feel insecure about you. A person who doesn't feel valued will run away at some point

- you're together for a reason. That's called love. Tell and show each other what you mean to each other. Some people are more for showing, some more for talking and others prefer a combo (like me ^^)

- tease each other. When you can't tease each other (not seriously or hurtful, just funny ofc), something is wrong

- discuss things. It can be a teeny tiny thing, but discussing the small things is important and training for the big things

- never stop fighting. You BOTH have to put effort in your relationship. You need to think, how you can improve it. People develop, so do relationships

I could write waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy more, but those are the most important things. I won't list stuff like "have a hobby together", that should always be the case. If you don't have stuff in common, maintaining a relationship will be nearly impossible. Sorry if I burt a bubble now ^^

2022/05/06

 I didn't write in like forever, I know.
But so far it also wasn't needed.

I felt strong, you know. Like really nothing could shake me, nothing could bring me down. But lately... I feel like I'm sliding into a depressive phase, I feel way more like crying than like laughing. I still try to be strong, to not let others see how I really feel.

I'm not unhappy, not at all. I have plans for my future and I can't wait that those plans get real. But still there's this weird feeling.

I often said, depression is like a voice in my head, telling me nasty stuff. It started again. It tells me so many bad things. I fight it with all my might, actually since weeks already.

I act like nothing was wrong, but my actions are quite clear to those who know me.
My best friend told me, I'm not my usual self now and I know he's right. I friggin know!
I wish I could rip that nasty voice out of my head. It makes me feel bad, it makes me insecure about everything.

I just want to be happy, I have every reason to be really happy. I got a great relationship, we plan to move in together and start a life together. That's what I want. This nasty voice in my head can't take that from me.

But since I feel so down lately... I basically doubt every decision that I make.
At least my social anxiety keeps quiet for now. But all the rest... Most of the time I sit at my pc (at work and at home) and fight tears back. I don't even know why they're there.

I hear the call of the void. I pushed people away, people who I called family. I turned my back onto them. Maybe to have it easier, when the call suddenly is stronger than me.
I hope it's not. I won't give up the fight, but sometimes I wonder, why I even resist it. It would be so easy to give in, to follow that call and simply die.

I want to live, I don't want to die. But who needs me anyway? If I live or not, it doesn't make a difference. No one's life would change if I left. I simply can't stop trying to fight and honestly, I fear the day, when my fighting spirit proves too weak.

2022/01/16

 Why is life so complicated?

Since months I didn't write anything anymore. I thought, it's gonna be fine. I thought, I could finally rest.
My life wasn't bad. I had a relationship with a man, plans for the future. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but life never is.
Every relationship has their struggles. That's normal. I thought, I could fight it. I thought, we could overcome it. But life sometimes has other plans.

I met someone and basically fell head over heels. Still I took my time. I thought long and hard, what to do. In the end I made my decision against the man I had plans with. Jumped in the cold water. And sometimes I feel like frozen.

Don't get me wrong, I do NOT regret my decision, not at all. But I'm back at the start of something new. Something new can be scary! And sometimes I am scared. But not scared enough to give up.

I fell for a wonderful woman. She's caring and teasing, she makes me happy, she annoys me, she infuriates me sometimes. But all I want is making her happy. Yes, sometimes she makes me sad and in some moments I cry. But that doesn't mean I give up. She deserves someone who sees how wonderful she is, someone who treats her like a queen. I wish so much to be the one, I wish she'll let me.

No, it's not always easy. It's not always dancing in the sunshine on flowery fields. I knew that before it started. I was always fully aware, what I was getting into. So, why am I so scared?

Easy answer. I'm scared to be not good enough. I struggle often with the language barrier, her first language is English, mine is not. I often don't understand her and it's not rare that I'm too shy to ask again. I'm scared to be annoying for her, bad at everything what I try. Too stupid to understand. Too emotional to really get her.
I am really emotional, that's nothing new.

Also I sometimes feel insecure, especially when I see this one person always around her. Even when I know, there won't be anything, my stupid mind doesn't stop asking "but what if there is?" and I hate myself for it! I really truly hate myself for this thought. It puts me in a bad mood and then I start hiding so I don't have to see what happens.

I wish, she'd simply pull me close and say "That's it, I'm hers", but I'm really sure, that remains a wish. I accept it, there's no other choice. I don't want to lose what I have.

So I'll simply do what I always did. Never give up and keep on fighting. I'm used to fighting my whole life, so it should be easy, right?

I tell you a secret. It's not. No, I do not wish to discuss what I publish. This blog is my diary and when I decide to share a post, I'll do so. That doesn't mean I want to talk about it.

05/09/2021

I didn't write for quite a while. That's something good! Actually it's really great.

The less I write, the better I feel. Simple as that.

But today is different. I had a good day, I was feeling great and happy, had a good time. And then suddenly... The call of the void hit me.

For those who don't know what the call of the void is, I explain it. It's a sudden feeling, that all is meaningless and only death can bring a change for the better. The call of the void is responsable for many suicide attempts. If you ever read an article which is about an unexpected suicide, those people followed the call of the void.

A simple "Don't do it" doesn't really help. The call and I are old friends. I heard it often and didn't follow. I won't follow it today either. It tries tempting me, luring me to follow it. And I fight it with everything I have, like I always do. It won't win, I'm too strong. But I really fear the day when it calls me and I'm not strong enough anymore.

For now I keep myself busy. My cat felt it too, she came to me cuddling and purring. This little feline was often a life savor already.

I won't give up now, don't worry. The fight goes on.

04/11/2021

Sometimes I feel tired. Not physically. Just tired of life. I feel as if I lose everyone around me, as if all around me pull back. It feels as if they're too shy to tell me to walk away cause they know about my depression.

And that's when the voice of depression kicks in, tells me "See? They walk away. You're tolerated, not wanted. You'll be alone again in no time". This voice uses every weakness, every insecurity to tell me that. I force it down, like I always do. But this damn feeling doesn't leave me. What if the voice is right? What if I'm left all alone in the end? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I'm simply not good enough.

I want to have trust in future. I want to have trust, that all will be well. But I'm scared.

Luckily there are people around me, who tell me, it's not true. Part of me knows that I'm appreciated, that I'm wanted.

I joined a group in a messenger with people who have depression themselves. Talking to them helps. We share methods of fighting and they told me "How? How can you be that strong?"

Yeah, how can I fight on and on, never give up? I am strong, I know that. I found a simple truth. Strong people don't fight lost wars. Strong women like me won't beg for affection. I won't run after someone who shows me that I'm not wanted. I'll move on, even if it rips my heart to pieces.

I'll always stay with people who want me. With people who tell me and show me, that they want me around. I won't give up on them. Never, in my whole life. I can't force them to like me. But I don't need to. I still have my dreams and I won't give up on them.