07/08/2022

I thought back and forth for quite a while, if I should write this post.

Originally I started this blog, to inform about depression, to get things out of my system, when I was really upset. When I started it, it was needed, it was necessary for me. I went through some shit at that time and if I hadn't wrote it, it would've broken me. Sometimes this blog was my last resort and more than once I was crying a lot while writing a post. But I decided, it's not needed anymore.
My cries for help are heard. I have wonderful friends, who have m back. I have a wonderful partner, who's there for me. I have the feeling, I finally found peace.

That doesn't mean, I won't have struggles in future. My depression is still there, insecurities are still a thing for me. There will be times, when I feel shitty again, when I wonder, if I'm still needed or wanted. But honestly, I can talk to the people involved. I can ask them. Realising that was a big step for me. That I'm allowed to ask, allowed to talk to others about it.

I don't need to always be strong. I can be weak and I will be caught.
I hope my partner and friends see it the same way. That they can talk to me when something is bugging them.

I will not delete this blog, but I will stop using it for a long time I guess.
I'm fine, at least for now. That feels good. I feel safe when I think about the future. A bit nervous, cause I'll start a complete new life soon, but I'm doing good and look forward to it very much.

07/02/2022

Today is one of those days...

I know, I mentioned the call of the void in previous entries, so you should know, what it means. I know, many who hear that won't talk about it to their friends or partners, but it's so important. You need to know that someone has your back, so please do it.

I'm most certainly not the best example to follow, it takes a long time until I talk about things like that, if I talk about them at all. On top of it, I caught a flu, so I react more sensitive than usual.

The call of the void is different for everyone, but I decided to tell you how it's for me and how I react and maybe the one or the other recognizes themselves in my words.

What it does to me:

I feel useless. Not needed at all. Good for nothing. I just think I'm a worthless piece of trash. No one needs me, if they are with me, then only temporarily. I accept it. It's fine, cause no one deserves to be bound to a piece of trash. It hurts me, but I know that I'm a failure. Whatever I try, it's wrong. In real life, in the games I play... I'm just stupid and worthless, no one needs me or wants me around. The only thing that can bring relief from it is death. Death is tempting. Just sleeping forever. Eternal peace and silence. When I hear the call of the void, it's so tempting to follow. Just ending it all. Just thinking about it makes me smile, cause in that moment, barely anything can reach me to show me there's still happiness for me.

How I react:

I fall silent. Sometimes I react passive aggressive to keep people at a distance. Sometimes I'm overly cheerful, nearly hyper, but that's extremely rare. In most cases I'm just silent. Keep your eyes open for each other and if you notice someone acts weird, ask. Don't give up. Talking about such things isn't easy and often people basically have to be forced to talk about it.

But there also are side effects. It's not only hearing the call that gets me. Anxiety spikes up, I suddenly get the wildest thoughts. The logical thinking part of me knows, it's only nonsense, but my other part takes over in this situation. It hurts me a lot, it's heartbreaking. I fight it with everything I have.

But my insecurities also spike up and weird thoughts cross my mind. Thoughts like "Why does my partner even want to stay with me? I'm disgusting, I'm old, I'm fat. They can have way better people than me". I just recently talked to them about all of this and I got a "You won't go anywhere, I won't go anywhere" back. I cling to those words, when it gets harder to fight. 

I'm actually disgusted by myself, cause I feel so incredibly weak. I absolutely HATE showing a weakness. I don't want to be seen as weak. I want to be seen as strong, happy and cheerful.

It's my biggest fear, that someone I consider close could think "She's a weakling, I can't rely on her, I'm better on my own".

That's the reason I barely talk about all of this or admit when I'm not feeling great.

I don't always know how to react. I smile and say "I'm fine", even when I'm not. Even when worries and anxiety are eating me. I'm fine. I stick to it. 

I will be fine again, in a day or 2. And till then... I just try to survive.