I didn't write in like forever, I know.
But so far it also wasn't needed.
I felt strong, you know. Like really nothing could shake me, nothing could bring me down. But lately... I feel like I'm sliding into a depressive phase, I feel way more like crying than like laughing. I still try to be strong, to not let others see how I really feel.
I'm not unhappy, not at all. I have plans for my future and I can't wait that those plans get real. But still there's this weird feeling.
I often said, depression is like a voice in my head, telling me nasty stuff. It started again. It tells me so many bad things. I fight it with all my might, actually since weeks already.
I act like nothing was wrong, but my actions are quite clear to those who know me.
My best friend told me, I'm not my usual self now and I know he's right. I friggin know!
I wish I could rip that nasty voice out of my head. It makes me feel bad, it makes me insecure about everything.
I just want to be happy, I have every reason to be really happy. I got a great relationship, we plan to move in together and start a life together. That's what I want. This nasty voice in my head can't take that from me.
But since I feel so down lately... I basically doubt every decision that I make.
At least my social anxiety keeps quiet for now. But all the rest... Most of the time I sit at my pc (at work and at home) and fight tears back. I don't even know why they're there.
I hear the call of the void. I pushed people away, people who I called family. I turned my back onto them. Maybe to have it easier, when the call suddenly is stronger than me.
I hope it's not. I won't give up the fight, but sometimes I wonder, why I even resist it. It would be so easy to give in, to follow that call and simply die.
I want to live, I don't want to die. But who needs me anyway? If I live or not, it doesn't make a difference. No one's life would change if I left. I simply can't stop trying to fight and honestly, I fear the day, when my fighting spirit proves too weak.
