Why is life so complicated?
Since months I didn't write anything anymore. I thought, it's gonna be fine. I thought, I could finally rest.
My life wasn't bad. I had a relationship with a man, plans for the future. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but life never is.
Every relationship has their struggles. That's normal. I thought, I could fight it. I thought, we could overcome it. But life sometimes has other plans.
I met someone and basically fell head over heels. Still I took my time. I thought long and hard, what to do. In the end I made my decision against the man I had plans with. Jumped in the cold water. And sometimes I feel like frozen.
Don't get me wrong, I do NOT regret my decision, not at all. But I'm back at the start of something new. Something new can be scary! And sometimes I am scared. But not scared enough to give up.
I fell for a wonderful woman. She's caring and teasing, she makes me happy, she annoys me, she infuriates me sometimes. But all I want is making her happy. Yes, sometimes she makes me sad and in some moments I cry. But that doesn't mean I give up. She deserves someone who sees how wonderful she is, someone who treats her like a queen. I wish so much to be the one, I wish she'll let me.
No, it's not always easy. It's not always dancing in the sunshine on flowery fields. I knew that before it started. I was always fully aware, what I was getting into. So, why am I so scared?
Easy answer. I'm scared to be not good enough. I struggle often with the language barrier, her first language is English, mine is not. I often don't understand her and it's not rare that I'm too shy to ask again. I'm scared to be annoying for her, bad at everything what I try. Too stupid to understand. Too emotional to really get her.
I am really emotional, that's nothing new.
Also I sometimes feel insecure, especially when I see this one person always around her. Even when I know, there won't be anything, my stupid mind doesn't stop asking "but what if there is?" and I hate myself for it! I really truly hate myself for this thought. It puts me in a bad mood and then I start hiding so I don't have to see what happens.
I wish, she'd simply pull me close and say "That's it, I'm hers", but I'm really sure, that remains a wish. I accept it, there's no other choice. I don't want to lose what I have.
So I'll simply do what I always did. Never give up and keep on fighting. I'm used to fighting my whole life, so it should be easy, right?
I tell you a secret. It's not. No, I do not wish to discuss what I publish. This blog is my diary and when I decide to share a post, I'll do so. That doesn't mean I want to talk about it.
