I talked to some people who are in therapy with me and they gave permission that I write about them as well as I write about me regarding that topic.
Being in a relationship is challenging. For people with depression as well as for their partners. We think differently abou stuff and things which no others pay attention to, can haunt us or hurt us.
Additionally, we often feel bad for having depression. We love our partners as deeply as everyone does, but additionally we think, they deserve better than someone sick, as we are. We feel ashamed for being sick and on days when we don't deel so good anyway, we're scared like crazy, that they'll leave us cause we got depression. And we never tell cause we don't want to come across needy, we're scared to burden our partners with our depression.
In my case it's even worse. I'm so much into details, when something changes, I think immediately, I fucked everything up. My thoughts go immediately to "Now they found someone better than me and walk away and it's only my own fault" and then this voice in my head comes back. This damn voice, which keeps telling me "Why would they bother further wirh you? You're sick, you're worthless. In which world would you be good enough for them? Stop trying, you'll never be loved." and then I get scared, that this voice is right. It hurts me, but still I listen to it. And sometimes, I even agree. On days, when I feel like shit and am scared to lose the person I wanna be with this voice has it easy to scare me. I fight it, but... I know that I'm not a jackpot. I know, that there are so many women who are better than me. I lose out of sight that I'm not the only one who made the decision for my partner, it's my partner who chose me as well.
I wish I could finally get rid of that damn voice, so I fight it again and again, tell myself that it's fine and this voice has no power over me.
What's even worse in my case... That other guy, with whom it didn't work out... When we still were in contact, he told me so often, that he'll kill himself when I'm not with him. I take things way more grave than others anyway and then this? I doubt that he'll ever understand how much pressure he put on me, how much he scard me. Even in our last talk, when I told him to not do something stupid, he simply said "Can't promise that". That was some days ago. Sometimes my thoughts about it are like "what if he really does it? I'm responsible for his death!" I know that I'm not, but still, it scares me. I don't want to be responsible for someones death. No one would want that. I know, it's not my fault, threatening with suicide is extremely messed up. I'm really glad that I don't hear that anymore.
I get calmer, I think. And maybe, that fear to lose my partner due to depression will disappear one day. I feel safe with him, that's not the matter. My fear is only about myself. That I fuck up, that I'm not good enough. That I do something that pushes him away from me. I work on it, I really do and try my best every day. Just sometimes that fear is too strong to fight.
