I didn't write in quite a while. I was just too busy xD
But I think it's time for a review. This year was such a rollercoaster. Full of decisions, of realizings. Full of hope, full of joy. But full of desperation and full of tears too.
It was up and down, like life is. That's normal.
I had some massive fallouts and more than once it was a damn close call. Without some very special people around me, I would've just ended everything.
Truth is, I met some really devious people. Sugarcoated words towards me, but talking badly behind my back.
I'm a trusting person, believing in the good in every person. I'm honest and kind and hate, really HATE hurting people, so I'll never understand, why some people hurt others on purpose. I don't understand, why they hurt me.
I wondered so often... Am I such a bad peron that I deserve this? Am I weird for playing games at my age? Did I do something to them, so they think they need to treat me that way? What have I done to deserve being hurt? Do I deserve to get lied to? To get used? Or is it just so easy cause they only knew me online?
I never got an answer. And maybe that's good.
Those people aren't worth my attention. They aren't worth even one single thought. They wanna think I'm weird? Fine by me! I don't need them. But there will be a time when they miss me. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but they will.
I realized, I'm strong enough to get over it. Yes, I was sad a lot. Yes, I cried for days and over some tings I still cry, even months later. But that's fine. I can forgive. But I won't forget. And those people will never get close to me again. They simply don't deserve me. They don't deserve my forgiving nature, my kindness, not even a look or a thought.
It took long till I understood that.
I still believe, everything that's damaged, can be repaired, even rebuilt, when you give it the chance and work on it. I just won't give that chance again.
I don't hate them. They don't mean enough to me to have such feelings anymore. There are others.
I found so many great friends and most of them I can only reach by plane. That doesn't keep us from being friends. Feelings don't care about distance.
"See with your heart, love with your soul" that was always my mantra and I stick to it. So many people have a place in my heart. So many earned my trust. Those few who didn't deserve it, don't count at all.
Maybe it's stupid to still trust people easily. But that's just me. I am who I am, who I always was. I was like this 20 years ago and I truly hope, I'll be like this in 20 years still.
I'm incredibly grateful for this year. I hd so much time to learn about myself. I'm grateful for all the people I met on my way. I'm grateful for everyone who stayed.
Thank you all so so much for existing. Thank you all for being there with me.
If I know you from a certain online game and I gave you something mooglish or something I made, you cn be sure, I like you from the bottom of my heart.
I'll never leave you alone, not in the rest of this year, not next year, never.
You can always be sure to have a loyal friend in me.
I'm not always easy to deal with. I can't promise you to never have fallouts again, I can't promise you to never cry again or never be sad again. But if I tell you about it, that only means, I trust you the most.
All I can promise is being there, when you need me. I'll listen, I'll try to cheer you up or flame others together with you. I promise to have your backs. Always.
A special thank you goes to my sister. You have no idea how much you really mean to me, how much your support means to me. And I promise... no... I SWEAR! When all this Covid shit is mostly done, I sit in the first plane, fly over to you and give you the biggest hug. You only deserve the best 💖
