11/25/2020

For so long, everything was fine. I felt great, I had fun, I was relaxed, worked for my goals and had good news.
And now... Now I'm just tired.

I'm tired of this world. I'm tired of humans. I'm tired of those cowards who force ME to act in their stead. I'm tired of those guys who don't have the guts to do the right thing, unless they are forced to. I'm tired of having to be the one who forces them.

I'm tired of people relying on my strength cause "hey, you're warrior, you can bear it".

I'm tired of it all.

Mostly I'm tired of my own feelings. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling used. I'm tired of being taken for granted.

I'm tired of people toying with me and my feelings. I'm tired of my goddamn trust in people.

Do I really have to be cold? To stay far away from everyone to keep myself safe? To safe me from being hurt more?

I'm so fucking tired of this life...

And still... I still know, if someone comes to me and needs me, I'll take their burden upon my own shoulders to carry them. I'll still draw my sword and fight for them.

Cause that is what I am.

A tired warrior, but still a warrior. I push myself, if needed. I force myself far over my own limits if needed. I could never act any different.

Just at the moment... would someone please take the world off my shoulders? Just for a minute so I can have a rest...

05/11/2020

So, yesterday was my birthday.
I was a bit scared how it would be. The first birthday I was alone in my life. I was afraid to feel lonely, but it was really a great day!

My cousin invited me over, her oldest daughter made a super cute chocolate cake with unicorns on it. And later, when I was playing an online game, my guild was super sweet. They even got gifts for me.
They made my day great and I was smiling the whole time.

The actual plan was to celebrate on weekend, I even had a date, but lockdown hit last Monday, so it all got cancelled.
But that's fine. I know it's important, far more important than a birthday party or a date. None of these runs away, I can always throw a party when it's over and I can always go on a date then. I'm not too old to go on dates after all xD

At the moment, I'm just happy about my great birthday. I'm grateful for all my friends who made this day so special.

Thank you all so so much for making me smile, for making me feel loved 💖